UPCOMING EVENTS

Watch this space!

Dan O'Dowd Offers Spiritual Guidance

The Colorado Rockies won a trip to the World Series with an amazing run, winning 20 of their last 21 games, beating the Padres in a one-game Wild Card playoff, and sweeping the Cubs and Diamondbacks in the first two rounds of the playoffs. The architect of this team is general manager Dan O'Dowd, who has not only built a winning team, but attempted to construct one full of devout born-again Christians as well.

Since he's had plenty of time on his hands waiting for the start of the Fall Classic, Dan has graciously agreed to give some advice and guidance to some of baseball's wayward souls.

Dan--I'm not a free agent, but I do have a chance to opt out of my contract this winter. Right now, I play in a media-saturated market that loves to take shots at me. If I opt out, I can go play someplace more low profile, and also ink a more lucrative contract. If I stay, I'll play for a successful team but still be hounded. What would you do?

--AR, New York (for now)

AR--The Bible tells us it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Surely you don't want to throw baseball's general managers into an ugly bidding war, one in which some of our poorer brethren couldn't possibly compete. Store ye not earthly treasures--allow them to remain in the pockets of the benevolent team owners. Stay where you are, I say, even if that place is ugly, smelly place filled with homosexuals and unions.

Dan--I want desperately to get back into the majors, but the commissioner still holds a grudge against me, all over something I did, like, 30 years ago. I feel that I've made peace with God over my sins. Why can't the commissioner forgive me?

--PR, Cincinnati

PR--God will not give us more hardship than we can endure. Perhaps one day the commissioner will soften, and he will allow you back in the game. If not, then the Good Lord will provide for those who remain faithful, probably in the form of selling a bunch of autographed crap on a home shopping channel.

Dan--My team just completed one of the worst collapses in baseball history. I thought my stoic leadership would inspire my charges to victory, but it just seemed to make them complacent. I like to think that I am a spiritual man. Was my faith not enough?

--WR, Queens

WR--I would not judge another man's faith. Only God can truly judge the sincerity and devotion in each of our hearts. But I would take a serious look at your horrible bullpen.

Dan--In the wild card playoff game against the Padres, Matt Holliday came home with the winning run on a sacrifice fly in the bottom of the 13th. However, replays showed that he never touched home plate. Don't you think that, in the spirit of fairness, sportsmanship, and Christian brotherhood, you should have pointed this out to the umpires?

--TH, San Diego

TH--Ordinarily, I would agree with you. I feel it is better to lose with honor than to be awarded victory through nefarious means. However, I would also point out that San Diego takes its name from the Catholic missionaries who settled in California hundreds of years ago. And as we all know, Papists are idolatrous heathens bound for the fires of hell. So the Padres have simply reaped what they have sown.

Dan--I was arrested for soliciting a prostitute, and subsequently fired from a high-paying job. Just kicked to the curb, not even a goodbye from the front office. I know what I did was wrong, but I still think I was treated harshly. Don't I deserve a second chance?

--DN, Denver

DN--Get your ERA below 7, then we'll talk.

Dan--You said that you thought your team was successful because it has people of high moral character. Maybe in between hitting balls with bats and making millions of dollars, you think some of your players could use some of their high morals to fight these wild fires in Southern California? I'm about three seconds away from bursting into flames.

--TS, San Pedro

Dan--After the Rockies' thrilling extra-inning win in the wild card playoff game, both Jamey Carroll and Matt Holliday gave thanks to God for the victory. This happened the same night that my wife died of leukemia. So the next time you talk to God, thank him for blessing your precious baseball team. I hope he had a good time watching the game.

--Anonymous, Iowa

Dan--I have no idea who you are and I've never even seen a baseball game. But apparently you and your organization talk to God a lot. So when you get a chance, could you tell him about me? I'd appreciate it. Thanks.

--Enslaved and Chained to a Wall, Sudan

I got a lot of letters like these, and they really pained me. I can live such a sheltered life, worrying about baseball, and then I realize a horrible truth: there's so many Negative Nellies in this world! Jeez Louise!

Difficult as it might accept, humans can not fully understand God's ways, whether they involve the death of a loved one, a draconian warlord-led regime, or an obscenely lucrative contract for Mike Hampton. But I truly believe that everything in this world happens for a purpose. I believe God wanted the Rockies to go to the World Series to bring a bit of joy into the fans' hearts. I know that won't bring back your wife, or keep your house from burning down, or free you from the bonds of slavery.

Posted 10.24.07 08:04am * Permalink

Copyright 2004-08 Scratchbomb Inc. Trespassers punished by catapault