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Willie's Pitching Moves Questioned

After another brutal loss that further endangered his team's playoff chances, Mets manager Willie Randolph is being questioned for his choice of pitchers. Although his options were relatively limited to begin with, he still caused the entire baseball world to scratch its head when he decided to go with 73-year-old comedian Rip Taylor to start an important game against the Nationals.

"I just really thought Rip was in a good little rhythm," Randolph said in a post-game press conference. "He's been throwing good in his side sessions, and I used to love him on Super Password."

Randolph's comments were then punctuated with a disdainful roll of the eyes.

Predictably, Taylor did not fare well in his major league debut. His delivery was extremely erratic and full of tired puns. His initial pitches were the first in baseball history to clock in the single digits on the radar gun, which was mostly due to his eschewing a baseball in favor of confetti.

Once forced to use a baseball by the exasperated umpiring crew, Taylor insisted on rolling it toward the plate in an exaggerated, fey manner. Enraged, leadoff hitter Nook Logan fired the ball back toward the mound. This sent Taylor running for the dugout, simpering and waving his hands in pathetic protest.

Once Taylor refused to emerge from the clubhouse, Randolph was forced to use his bullpen much earlier than he wanted to. It is still not known how many runs his relievers gave up, but NASA insists that their computers have the most advanced processors in the world and should be able to calculate the final total in only a week's time.

"You put a guy out on the mound, you expect him to do his job," Randolph told reporters. "Unfortunately, he didn't bring the same kind of game he brought to Match Game 74. I would have even accepted a Match Game 77-level performance."

It is not only Randolph who's on the hot seat for the team's current slide, however. General manager Omar Minaya has caught flak for not improving the Mets' bullpen before the trade deadline. Rather than aggressively pursue relievers like Chad Cordero or Eric Gagne, Minaya focused his energies on a few minor deals, most of which reportedly involved eBay auctions.

"I defend my trades," Minaya insisted earlier this week. "It's a bargain to give up only two single-A pitching prospects and get an original Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine in return. Plus, awesumdeelz420 threw in shipping for free. I would put this deal right up there with my swap of Jeff Keppinger for the complete season of Kolchak The Night Stalker on DVD. Remember, Kolchak was totally not on DVD back then."

When asked about his team's sudden obsession with pop culture relics from the 1970s, Minaya tried to get reporters to stick around and watch a real good DVD transfer of The Star Wars Holiday Special that just arrived in his office that morning.

Posted 09.26.07 11:5opm * Permalink

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