I considered adding "Do They Know It's Christmas?" to my list of Holiday Horrors. It does meet most of my criteria for a terrible holiday song. It's not a very good song, for one thing. It's extremely dated, musically and spiritually. And in its effort to be sympathetic, it sounds insensitive. ("Tonight thank god it's them instead of you!")

However, I decided that "Do They Know It's Christmas", for all its clueless brand of charity, actually did help people. Then again, such reasoning didn't stop me from blasting Bob Dylan's terrible Christmas album, which was also done completely for charity. I guess even more important (for comedic purposes, anyway) is that the song has become such a punchline over the years, treated to so many parodies and skewered in so many forums, that attacking it seems as cliche as attacking airline food.

Especially when it's been redone by much more capable minds than mine. So I'm gonna turn my frown upside down and highlight a hilarious remake of the song put together by Comedy Death Ray. The cast is a veritable cornucopia of comedy (and comedy-friendly) gods: Patton Oswalt, Brian Posehn, Paul F. Tompkins, Aimee Mann, Rob Huebel, Mary Lynn Rajskub, Weird Al, Doug Benson...it would be easier to list which alt-comedy giants aren't in this thing!

Actually, it would not be easier to do that. I just got tired of writing all those names. 


My favorite moments: Patton Oswalt leaving mid-verse to field a cell phone call. Thomas Lennon calling into the song as David Bowie, while getting a blow job from Mick Jagger (played by Ed Helms). And the rap interlude by Cracked Out, authors of such deathless hip-hop anthems as "Are You Ready to Get Fucked (By Us?)" and "Fuckin Ya Moms in the Ass".

For other Holiday Horrors posts, click here.

As I mentioned in a previous post, the American version of the Santa story has been sanitized a little bit. Most of the legends/backstory we think about when we think about Santa come from Germanic folktales. And like most things with Germanic origins, the earlier incarnations are pretty terrifying. Think the fairytales of The Brothers Grimm, or David Hasselhoff.

The Santa Claus of old folklore is similar to the one we know. He puts presents and treats in the stockings of good kids. But he is also trailed by a trickster demon who punishes the wicked kids. In most tellings, this twisted creature's name is KRAMPUS.

What does KRAMPUS look like? A lot like that handsome devil to your right. He's a goat-like monster, with cloven hooves, curly horns, and a terrifyingly long tongue. He carries around a switch, which he uses to beat naughty children. Sometimes, he's depicted wielding a chain instead (yikes). He also carries a basket, in which he deposits especially bad children, in order to carry them back to Hell (double yikes).

In the 19th century, Krampus was so popular that holiday greeting cards featuring him were sent all over Europe. Most of them had the ironic/ominous message Gruss vom Krampus ("Greetings from Krampus").

Some of these cards showed Krampus as mischievous, like this one, which has him stealing oranges from little kids. Some showed him as being extremely violent. Some depicted him as a bawdy, satyr-like figure, as the lower-left card in this collage did. Some were just plain bizarre, like this one that shows Krampus all decked in leather, driving a motorcycle, while a passive St. Nicholas rides in the sidecar.

Lest you think this is a relic of simpler times, know that in parts of Europe, people still dress up as Krampus every December 5. They create elaborate demon-masks and roam the streets with chains and other noisy things. Their goals are two-fold: 1) to scare people; 2) to get shit faced. It's sort of a holiday mashup of Halloween and St. Patrick's Day. (The Morning News has an interesting description of Krampustage from an American's perspective, which you can read here.)

For some reason, Krampus got airbrushed out of American Christmas traditions. My guess is because he's terrifying. You won't find too many references to the child tormentor in our Yuletide fare, although he was referenced on a recent Colbert Report, and seen in the Christmas mini-episode of The Venture Brothers.

So if you dread heading to your folks' house and drinking too much egg nog, just know that it could be worse. You could have been brought up to know that on Christmas Eve, you might get presents, or you might get dragged to Hades by a fiendish goat-man.

For other Holiday Horrors posts, click here.

I once again stand by my contention that the original Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is "an unbridled triumph". The same can not be said for the cheapy CGI sequel I shall not mention by (confusing) name again. But that wasn't the first piece of Rudolphiana that failed to make the grade. Sadly, even some of the official Rankin-Bass follow-ups were not up to the bar set by their masterwork.

Witness Rudolph's Shiny New Year, an odd duck of a holiday special produced by Rankin-Bass in 1976. Worst holiday special ever? No, not even close. It has much of the charm and spirit that made the original Rudolph so great. I hesitate to say it's even bad. But it is weird. Really, really weird.

It starts out simple enough. Rudolph, just back from his triumphant sleigh ride around the world, is asked by Father Time (voiced by Red Skelton) to locate Baby New Year, who ran away after constant taunting about his big ears.* Unless Baby New Year can be found in time, it will remain December 31 forever!

* The guys at Rankin-Bass really had a thing for protagonists who were teased to the breaking point. I'm betting there were a lot of club foots and lazy eyes in their development department.

Anywhoozle, if you're already on board for talking, flying reindeer and Baby New Year, this is all pretty straightforward. Unfortunately, the special takes a sharp left turn in to Crazy Town shortly thereafter.

Rudolph embarks on his quest, not accompanied by Hermey, but by General Ticker, a clock shaped military man who only speaks in rhyme. He searches for Baby New Year in The Archipelago of Last Years, which is where each year gets its own island once it's ended. He winds up on a caveman island, a colonial America island, and a medieval island which, inexplicably, is filled with storybook characters. At some point, Rudolph is joined by a Ben Franklin lookalike (who's called Sev, for some reason) and Big Ben, a whale with a huge clock in his tail.

Oh, and Rudolph is being pursued by a giant buzzard named Aeon who wants to capture Baby New Year so he won't die when the year ends, because of some sort of not-well-explained time/space technicality. How's that make you feel about the holidays, kids?

If my descriptions seem vague and not fleshed out, it's because the same can be said of this special. It's like Rankin-Bass took a million different ideas, put them in a blender, poured this goop out onto a piece of paper, and called it a script. I've seen Rudolph's Shiny New Year several times, and I still don't quite understand what it's about. Or who it's meant for. Or where I am, really, as I'm watching it.

Although I do applaud Rankin-Bass for their aggressive darkness. You might expect to a special called Rudolph's Shiny New Year to be more festive and cheerful. Instead, you get a stop-motion version of Fellini's Satyricon. 

If you really want to delve deep into its nuances, Progressive Boink did an almost scene-for-scene deconstruction of its weirdness a few years back, which you can peep here. But be warned: THERE ARE SOME THINGS YOU CAN'T UNSEE, MAN!

Continuing my pointless quest to digitize every 80s ad I possess, I present this latest collection of commercials from The Vast and Dusty Scratchbomb VHS Archives. The latest batch comes from a tape with material recorded right around Halloween, 1985. Why am I presenting Halloween materials when we're so close to Christmas? Because many of these ads have holiday relevance. And because I lump Halloween into that Drive To XMas Season. And because SHUT UP IT'S MY STUPID SITE OKAY?!

This first ad definitely has Christmas significance. In it, Alex Karras (aka Webster's dad) informs parents that they better rush down to their local toy store NOW if they want to get some decent Transformers for the kiddies come December 25. This ad aired very close to Halloween, meaning there were at least seven weeks left until The Big Day. Just in case you thought retailers jumping the gun was a recent phenomenon.

It also features Webster's dad lip syncing to "robots in disguise", thus putting it in my top 10 favoritest ads ever.

For other Holiday Horrors posts, click here.

UPDATE, 12.16.09: Video now working. Thanks for your patience.

I've written about this before, but I think it bears repeating: I was scarred for life by the news teasers I saw as a kid. There are two reasons for this.

1) I grew up in New York in the 1980s. In these post-Giuliani's reich years, it's hard to remember just how truly effed up NYC was in the 80s. The city was beset by all manner of horrifying things--drugs, murder, arson, poverty, Ed Koch...

2) The 1980s also marked the beginning of SCARE NEWS. Local stations couldn't just entice you with actual news. They did SPECIAL REPORTS and INVESTIGATIONS on how everything in your house could murder you in your sleep.

The combination of these two phenomena made watching TV as a kid an exercise in terror. In my memories, the news was even worse during the holidays. Every news clip took place in a driving snowstorm, with squad car lights glinting off dirty road ice, and included at least three of the following:

• A crumbling tenement stairwell
• Cops draping a white sheet across a dead body
• Blood spattered on wall/floor/window
  
• A front door blackened by fire/explosion
• Close up of a crack vial
• Victim's screaming relatives
• Charred children's toys
  
• A sketch of the alleged perpetrator, making him look like maniac

If you weren't there, it's hard to convey just how frightening it was. But thanks to the Vast and Dusty Scratchbomb VHS Archives, I've compiled a bunch of these teasers into one handy-dandy YouTube clip.

Most of these are from CBS-2, but they're pretty representative of news teasers for all local NYC stations back in the 1980s. Keep in mind, all of these teasers--all of them--aired during holiday specials intended for kids. "Manhunt in progress for the man police call The Face-Peeling Rapist. Is he in your town? We'll tell you at 11. But now, back to A Charlie Brown Christmas!"

Today I chat with Sean from Massapequa once again, as we discuss the Hot Stove League and the Phillies' blockbuster trade.

First off, I haven't spoken with you since the Mets suffered all those injuries last summer. How have you been?

For a while, I was in quite a state. Luckily, I had friends and family who helped me get the help I so desperately needed. I've spent the last few months at a retreat in the Berkshires, where simple living, meditation, and yoga have helped me manage my anger issues.

Really? Good for you!

I even stayed away from any news of baseball, to keep unnecessary stressors out of my life. I now realize that existence is suffering, and suffering is brought on by desire. In my case, it was a desire for a championship for my favorite team. I have now eliminated that desire from inner being.

You seem so centered now. I'm truly impressed. But maybe we shouldn't talk about the Mets.

No, no, this is all part of my healing process. I can not live in a cocoon, nor do I wish to. I can enjoy the pastoral pleasures of America's pastime without making one team's fortunes the sum total of my existence.

In that case, the big news is the blockbuster trade the Phillies are in the process of completing, getting Roy Halladay from the Blue Jays. That's obviously bad news for the Mets.

I would agree, if the Phillies hadn't also traded away Cliff Lee in the same deal. From what I have read, Mr. Halladay projects to be only 0.5 wins above replacement higher than Mr. Lee next season. One could argue that they have not improved by a measurable amount. Not to mention that Mr. Halladay is 33 years old and has subjected his formidable right arm to quite a bit of work over the year. Also, whatever extension he signs with Philadelphia may impact that club's ability to sign some of its other players when they reach free agency.

I guess you could argue all of these things, but even if the Phillies made a lateral move here, the Mets still need to make a few moves of their own to catch up. Do you think there's any chance they can do that, given the current free agent class?

I suppose that's still possible, either through the signing of a Matt Holliday or a similar slugger. However, I think the Mets would be best served by employing platoons at positions such as left field and first base, perhaps look for low-risk/high-reward options on the pitching market. A Ben Sheets, for instance. In the current market, it makes no sense to overpay for mediocrity. Especially considering the the 2010 free agent class looks to be far superior.

That might mean not seriously contending next season. How do you sell that to anxious fans like yourself...I mean, like you used to be?

Perhaps the Mets' front office should remind the fans that a team's fortunes proceed like the seasons themselves. The bounty of fall is always followed by the fallow winter. One cannot preoccupy one's self with but one tiny spoke on the wheel of Time.

I guess when you put it that way, it makes me feel better about the Mets in general. You're right, things ebb and flow. One day you're up, the next day you're down. It's so stupid to get upset about stuff like Bengie Molina wanting a three year deal from the Mets.

ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDIN ME?! BENGIE MOLINA?! DAT FAT FUCK WHO CAN'T TAKE A WALK TO SAVE HIS FAT LIFE?! OMAR, LISTEN UP GOOD! IF YOU OFFER MORE THAN ONE MONTH TO THAT TUBBA FAILURE I WILL CARVE YOU LIKE A CHRISTMAS GOOSE! AND I NEVER CARVED NO CHRISTMAS GOOSE BEFORE, SO IT'S GONNA BE SLOW AND MESSY!!

Whoah, you just spent the last five minutes talking like the Dalai Lama by way of Bill James, and Bengie Molina's name sets you off?

I DON'T WANT HIM NOWHERES NEARS MY TEAM! THE ONLY REASON DIS LAND MONSTER SHOULD GO TO QUEENS IS IF HE'S AT LAGUARDIA GETTIN SHIPPED BACK TO SEA WORLD!!

Congratulations on your short-lived serenity.

YOU BETTER RENDER MY REPONSES IN ALL CAPS, BECAUSE THAT'S HOW ANGRY I AM!

It appears today's scheduled Holiday Horrors post is experiencing technical difficulties. In the meantime, please enjoy this pinch-hitting horror. For other Holiday Horrors posts, click here.

I hate to pick on Neil Diamond, but...Actually, scratch that. I don't hate to pick on Neil Diamond at all. He's kinda ridiculous, in a way not totally unlike another of my favorite giggle targets, Danzig. He has that perfect blend of theatricality and self-importance that I really admire in a figure of mockery.

Having mentioned Neil's rendition of "The Little Drummer Boy" (and his Christmas special) in a previous post, I figured that was enough Diamond bashing for one holiday season. But then my cousin hipped me to another one of his Christmas tunes. I am so glad he did, because this is a goldmine (if goldmines contained rich veins of turd instead of gold).

It's called "Cherry Cherry Christmas". Perhaps you've heard Neil's smash 1970s hit "Cherry Cherry". When I first heard Neil Diamond wrote a song called "Cherry Cherry Christmas", I thought it might just be a repurposed version of the earlier tune. You know, with the lyrics altered slightly. "She's got the way to Yule me!"

But it's not. And amazing as this might sound, you'll wish it was once you hear "Cherry Cherry Christmas."



I didn't even know what to say the first time I listened to it, because I didn't really know what I just heard. Did Neil Diamond just take the title of one of his biggest hits and slap it on a holiday song? One that doesn't sound anything like the original?! One that namechecks other songs of his? And not just a few times, but constantly throughout the song?!

Seriously, can you imagine anyone else doing something like this? Of course you can't. Only Neil Diamond has the sheer balls and lack of shame to pen and perform a song in which he wishes everyone a Neil Diamond Christmas.

To really appreciate its grandeur, you need to break it down piece by piece.

Start: Swelling music, jingle bells, flutes, glockenspiel...oh, this is going to be a soft, sentimental Christmas song. That sounds nice...

0:13: Wish you a very merry, Cherry Cherry Christmas/And a Holly Holy holiday too...That is the first line of this song. These are the first words you hear in this song. Look, this tender holiday-themed music isn't to get you into the Christmas spirit. It's to get you to check out the remastered Neil Diamond back catalog, currently on sale at Amazon, iTunes, and Best Buy.

If Neil had done this as a rollicking, tongue-in-cheek holiday song, it might have worked. Might have. But The Jazz Singer would have none of that. No, his song about how everyone should have a Neil Diamond Christmas is very serious and can only be appropriately expressed through the use of harp and a 40-piece string section.

0:45: After a bunch of oppressively dumb lyrics (and another shoutout to one of his own compositions, "Song Sung Blue"), Neil ends the first verse with these words: You'll have a very merry, Cherry Cherry, Holly Holy, rock n' roll-y Christmas this year. Just a reminder: Neil Diamond was born in 1958. He is not 6 years old, as these lyrics might indicate.

1:11: Feels like pretty amazing grace/If you know what I mean...No, Neil, I haven't the slightest idea what you mean. Unless you're referring to the song "Pretty Amazing Grace" off of your 27th studio album, Home Before Dark, which I'm sure can be picked up at Borders and all fine retailers at a reasonable price.

1:29: In a world of make believe, I'm a believer/And I believe in things not always understood...Did you know that Neil Diamond has a wonderful plan for your life? He's so magical, he can even reference songs he wrote for others but never recorded himself!

2:03: Let's raise a Christmas toast of red red wine/We'll even sing "Sweet Caroline"/While the whole world sings along...It take a special kind of man to not only reference two of his own songs in one verse, but insist the entire world will be chanting one of them in his honor to celebrate Jesus' birth. Is that because Jesus' mother's name was Caroline, or because he's a Sox fan?

2:13: Cue the sax solo from "Just the Way You Are"!

2:44: Makes you wanna have a very merry/Holly Holy/Cherry Cherry/Christmastime the whole year long...Sorry Neil, I think in such a world, the survivors would envy the dead.

3:20: He ends by yelling out CHERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE! Because if you're gonna write a Christmas monument to yourself, the time for restraint has long since passed. You go out with a bang, not a whimper. VERY CHERRY NEIL DIAMOND-MAS IN BLUE JEANS, EVERYONE! AND A HOT AUGUST NIGHT TO YOU AS WELL!

Congrats, Neil Diamond. You've written the most self-serving piece of Christmas dreck ever. You may collect your prize from the bursar.

For other Holiday Horrors posts, click here.

The Baby just turned three, and she's really into Christmas this year. She loves seeing the lights on people's houses and decorated trees. Every now and then, she'll just say "It's Christmas time!" because she's so excited about it. It's adorable.

Except for the whole Santa thing.

I'm not sure who's to blame, but I'm guessing it's her day care. Because all of a sudden, she says things like "Santa's coming!" and seems to actually "believe" in Santa, in the Traditional Holiday Special sense. Up to this point, The Wife and I strenuously avoided any mention of Santa as much as possible because we both think it's dumb, outmoded, and just wrong.

Yes, there is something precious and heartwarming about a tiny tot professing his/her belief in Santa. The problem is, it's a belief in something that's total bullshit. Would it be just as cute if I convinced The Baby to believe in a 10-foot-tall head of lettuce with arms and teeth that shat presents out of his butt-hole? Because that's about as true as the whole Santa deal.

Santa Claus dates back to a time when the average schmoe actually believed in ghosts, witches, and other mysterious, malevolent things. The world was a harsher place. Go look up the original, Germanic Santa Claus stories--they are truly horrifying. Because Santa never came alone. He was always trailed by trickster demons who plagued the naughty kids. And in those days, virtually everyone was naughty.

You wanted your kids to behave? You told them they'd get presents if they were good, beatings from a goat-legged goblin if they were bad. Just like the local priest told them they'd go to heaven if they shut up and plowed the field for their feudal lord, and go to hell if they didn't.

Santa Claus isn't make-believe, like when a little kid plays dress up or pretends s/he's an airplane. It's a lie. I don't like lying to my child. I understand the temptation to do so, like when The Baby wants more junk food and my first inclination is to say We don't have anymore. But that doesn't teach her anything. What does teach her something is saying, You can't have anymore because you've had a lot already and we're eating dinner very soon.

Lies are easy, the truth is hard. But what's even harder is one day, I have to tell my kid there's no Santa, just because everyone else thought it would be cute to see a little kid believe in medieval nonsense. Thanks, World.

For other Holiday Horrors posts, click here.

Last week, I referred to the original Rankin-Bass Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer as "an unbridled triumph". I stand by that assessment, but my friend Shaun reminded me of one unpleasant factor in that otherwise spotless holiday classic: in it, Santa's a huge jerk.

Exhibit A: Santa visits Donner and wife once Rudolph is born. He sees Rudolph's shiny nose. A nervous Donner assures Santa that this is just a temporary thing. Santa's response: "I certainly hope so!" Rudolph's about three minutes old at this point, you insensitive clod!

Exhibit B: Rudolph's shiny nose is revealed at Reindeer Practice. The other reindeer freak out and make fun of him. Pretty uncool, but hey, they're just dumb reindeer. But Santa tells Donner he should "be ashamed of himself". Ashamed of himself! "How dare you sire such a monster!"

Exhibit C: Santa's intolerant hiring practices. The head elf in his workshop has a severe anti-dental bias, as evidenced by his irrational prejudice against Hermey, the tooth-loving elf.

Exhibit D: When the elves sing their song for Santa, The Big Man waves his hand, Mike Francesa style, and simply says, "It needs work, I have to go." The he storms out, leaving Mrs. Clause to apologize and do damage control.

Exhibit E: When intolerance drives both Rudolph and Hermey to run away from the North Pole, who goes after them? Not Santa. Clarice and Rudolph's mom attempt to find them, and almost get eaten by a Bumble in the process.

Exhibit F: After all of this, Santa impresses Rudolph into service as part of his reindeer gang, because suddenly the shiny-nosed freak proves useful. Most folks would've told Santa to go fuck himself, but Rudolph puts aside his ego so toys can be delivered.

In summation, Santa Claus in Rudolph: huge dick. Your honor, the defense rests.

For other Holiday Horrors posts, click here.

I bought something on eBay for The Wife for Christmas. Something expensive, something I couldn't just go get at a store. I bought this thing very early, knowing that shipping would take a while. I instructed the shipper to send said item to my place of business, because I knew I wouldn't be home during usual UPS delivery hours, and because I didn't want The Wife to discover a Mysterious Package on our doorstep.

All of this would've proceeded without a hitch, if the package had been shipped via anyone but UPS, who are apparently criminals. Or morons. Or criminally moronic.

The package was supposed to arrive at my office yesterday. When the day wore on and nothing had arrived yet, I tracked the package. It was listed as having an Exception. And the Exception was, RECIPIENT HAS MOVED.

That came as news to me, since I've had my current job for a while, and our office has not moved one foot in that entire time. So I called up the UPS people, and they told me the UPS delivery guy must have gotten confused because the delivery address didn't have my company's name. Even though I get shipments all the time sans company name.

Apparently, my company is served by the most literal UPS delivery guy on the planet. It's very nice that UPS is giving jobs to autistic people, but maybe they shouldn't be delivering packages.

UPS customer service told me I had two choices: get in touch with the shipper and tell him to add the company's name to the delivery address, or pick it up myself at a local facility. Said facility is literally blocks from my house, so I chose the latter. A minor inconvenience, but problem solved. Or so I thought.

When I got home, just to make sure the package was back in the facility, I tracked it again. This time, it had another exception, saying the delivery guy had tried again, I still had "moved", and the package was on its way back to the shipper. In California. (In case you don't know, I live about as far away as you can get from CA without entering another dimension.)

So I called up UPS again to try and figure out what happened. Between the online tracking and the phone reps I'm getting a lot of conflicting info, I said, so just assure me that I can pick this thing up at my local facility, I said.

Yes you can, said the UPS rep.

That's the UPS facility in Queens, right?

Frighteningly long pause. Um, no, the facility in San Jose.

Why is it going to a facility in San Jose? Unless there's a San Jose in Long Island.

Will you hold, please? Cue the awful hold music.

Five minutes, the UPS rep is back on the line, telling me that the package is schedule to pull a Biggie (aka go back to Cali). But he will attempt to contact the local facility and get them to intercept that before it happens.

An hour later, I got a call back from said local facility, which informed me the package was already "in processing" to go back to the shipper, and there was nothing they could do about it. Maybe you can order a new one and get the shipper to refund your money?

No, I can not do that, I said.

So this package took a week to get to me, but the second they couldn't drop it off--at the place where I work, where the receptionist knows who I am--UPS gets rid of it like it's covered in mad cow disease. And I had to tell The Wife, Hey, I ordered you something awesome for Christmas! But it may not get here until Memorial Day.

Just wanted to let everyone know, if you have any choice, please consider NOT using UPS. I mean, provided you're ordering something of value that you'd actually like to receive at some point. And don't want to RUIN YOUR CHRISTMAS.

But if you want a lot of inexplicable fuck-ups and unhelpful advice, they're the place to go.