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The Sound Engineer from the "Viva Viagra" Sessions Has Had Enough
Cut, guys, cut it. Stop it. Seriously, stop it right now.
"Viva Viagra"? Really? I know you told me to keep the tape running for everything, but Jesus...
You do know that all of this stuff ain't cheap, right? I mean, you're the guys who wanted to record your album in a rustic mountainside studio with old Tascam reel-to-reels and giant mixers with bakelite knobs. And you're the guys who're paying me overtime to turn those little knobs for you.
But it's four in the god damn morning, and we're still here because we have to record your magnum opus, "Viva Viagra"? Really? And I'm supposed to stand behind the glass and bop my head like I'm silently saying to myself, "Yeah, these guys are really cookin'!"? I have to pretend that this isn't the worst thing I've ever heard in my life?
That Viagra must've made all the blood rush straight to your cocks and out of your brains if you think I'm recording this horse shit.
I've recorded difficult bands before. I've gotten into fistfights with lead singers 'cause they didn't like how their vocals sat in the mix. I've had whole bands do shrooms and go on nine-hour guitar solo wank fests, and I had to sit and record through every weasly little note.
I once recorded a Small Wonder record. Yeah, that's right, that robot show from the 80s. And she sang the whole thing in that fucking robot voice, too. Twelve fucking tracks. Do you know she did a cover of "God Bless the Child"? I still hear that shit in my nightmares.
And I would still be less embarrassed to be associated with that album than your tribute to old man woodies.
You know what people love to hear? They love to hear 60-year-old guys sing about how they're gonna pork their fat old wives. Radio stations can't wait to play songs that give you the mental image of two AARP members doing the horizontal mambo.
If you release this as a single, you know what should go on the sleeve? A nude picture of Larry King. It couldn't make people want to vomit any less than what's in the song.
When you're done with "Viva Viagra," maybe you guys can do a musical tribute to being regular. Sing about how you're gonna go home, pound some Metamucil, and hit the john for a satisfying 20-minute log dump. That would be more appetizing to the listening public than the thought of your wrinkly ass pitching a tent.
Hey, if you guys got such raging boners, you know what? Come in here and make me turn the tape recorder back on! I dare you, John Holmes.
Nobody? Yeah, that's what I thought.
I'm going home and getting some sleep. And if you limpdick jerkoffs are still feelin' the effects of the "Viva Viagra," feel free to go fuck yourselves.
Posted 06.03.08 08:47pm * Permalink
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