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Parental Guidance
Rick Reilly and the He-Man Blogger Haters Club
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Welcome to We Hate Bloggers! I'm your host, Rick Reilly, and our topic this week, as it is every week is "Bloggers: They Suck!" For those of you who've never seen our show before, my guests and I will reiterate some of the literally millions of reasons why bloggers are inferior human beings. Bob, you're first. |
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Well Rick, we all know that every single blogger in America is just a loser living in his mother's basement. |
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Ha! Mother's basement! That never gets old, just like Viagra jokes! |
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It's funny and true. It makes you think. |
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QUITE FRANKLY, BLOGGERS ARE NOT QUALIFIED TO EXPRESS OPINIONS ON SPORTING EVENTS THEY HAVE ONLY SEEN ON TV, PROBABLY IN THEIR MOTHER'S BASEMENT. |
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I agree, Stephen. Sure, you could read some stupid blogger's take on the PGA Open. But I actually went to the event. I got to go to the clubhouse. I saw Tiger Woods buy a Coke Zero from a vending machine. I had the prime rib at the country club. It was good, if slightly underdone. You couldn't get any of that stuff from a blogger! You'd only get somebody's opinion on a game they enjoy watching. |
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I read your article, Rick, and it was a tour de force. I especially like the part where you asked Phil Mickelson about how he felt his swing was that day, and Phil said, "Good." Only a true journalistic pro could get that kind of a quote out of Lefty. |
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YOUR REFERENCES TO APPRENTICE CANDIDATES FROM FOUR YEARS AGO WAS ALSO TIMELY AND HILARIOUS. |
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Bloggers would apply to be on The Apprentice, but they're too busy eating Cheetos in their mom's basement! |
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Oh, I see what you did! That is a hoot! |
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I WOULD NOT WANT TO BE A BLOGGER RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE THEN I WOULD BE THOROUGHLY ZINGED. |
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Okay, let's go to the phones. Who's this? |
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Hi, this is A Mother's Basement. |
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What? How is a mother's basement able to call in? |
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There's a phone down here, between the washing machine and an old "Hang in there, kitten" poster. Listen, I just wanted to clear a few things up. You keep talking about bloggers and mothers' basements, and speaking from my firsthand experience as a mothers' basement, I have to disagree. |
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QUITE FRANKLY, I AM HORRIBLY CONFUSED. |
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Wait a minute, you're saying that you are not the living quarters for some stupid, misinformed, bloggy blogger? |
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Oh, no. From what I understand, most bloggers are adults who live on their own. |
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So I bet they blog in their mom's basement at their own place! |
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But wait a minute, then it wouldn't be their mom's basement. |
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Of course it would, because that's where...bloggers...do... |
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Oh, I'm sure there are a few bloggers who do live in their mother's basement, but I wouldn't say all of them do, or even most of them. That'd be like saying all sportswriters have declared themselves experts on games they could never play as children in order to impress a workaholic father who never paid them any attention. |
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Hey, my dad was a very busy man! He would've come to my little league games if only I played a little better! |
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And frankly, Mr. Reilly, I'm a little surprised that you're commenting on mother's basements and who is doing what in them. Have you ever been a mother's basement? |
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No, but I've been in them. I've seen them on TV... |
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But you have no professional experience as a mother's basement? No years of training and study? |
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I can't say I do, no. |
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Then I don't believe you're qualified to comment on mother's basements. Please leave the assessments to the trained professionals. /click |
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Oh god, is it all over? Do we have to rethink our pat dismissal of bloggers and think in new ways? |
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Listen up, you stupid midget, I didn't get this far in the sports media world by thinking in new ways. There's gotta be some other tired cliché I can apply to bloggers... |
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We'll just make this the No Bloggers Club, and we won't let any bloggers in, no matter what! |
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That's a great idea, Mark! No wonder you're such a well-respected millionaire! |
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For every blogger I deny access, my dick gets 10 inches longer! |
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Whoah, TMI, Mr. Cuban! Switch to decaf! |
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Hey, you know who's drinking a lot of decaf? Bloggers in their stupid mother's basement! |
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MR. COSTAS, YOU ARE SURELY THE HOLDER OF THE KEY TO THE BOTTOMLESS VAULT OF CHUCKLES. |
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It's fun treating the audience like morons, isn't it? |
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It's the only reason I stay in sports media. Nothing's better than talking to adults like they're three-year-olds, and them having to take it. |
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Until next time, this is Rick Reilly saying, my opinions are more valid than yours because I said so. Later, retards! |
Posted 04.06.08 6:00pm * Permalink
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