SITES OF RIGHTEOUSNESS
Sweaty Dudes [aka Sports]
Metsblog
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Kissing Suzy Kolber
Fire Joe Morgan
Yard Work
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Patton Oswalt
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Parental Guidance
The 2008 Mets and the Big Payback
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Hey guys, check out our rad new slogan!
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Payback? Against who? We choked away the division. |
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Exactly! This year, we're gonna get revenge on ourselves! |
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So this season, we're gonna literally rather than metaphorically shoot ourselves in the foot. |
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Precisely! Because you had such a horrible September, we're gonna tell you to knock off all the little things that make you a fan favorite. No dancing, no smiling, no wacky haircut. And no more reggaeton, either. When you step up to the plate, your intro music will be Pat Boone's version of "Tutti Frutti". That way, the next time you slump, you'll also be really fucking boring to watch. |
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Sounds like a plan. I'll get my soul drained out right away! |
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Moises, I need you to... |
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Get a ridiculous, debilitating injury? Way ahead of you, boss. |
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I knew I could count on you. Now Billy, your job is to make some poorly worded countrified statements that will inspire an equal amount of hatred from our opponents and our fan base. |
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Philadelphia's a cottamn pest hole, but I tell you what, they still miles ahead a this shitty team we got here on our hands. Buncha furriners and lowlifes, makes a man wish he was back in the hills, tendin his alpacas. Them alpacas spit somethin' fierce, fella... |
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Excellent, just like that. As for you, Carlos... |
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I'm getting pretty bored with this whole discussion. Peace. /checks out |
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I was gonna tell him to keep swinging at horrible inside pitches, but that'll work, too. Now, David, have you ever read a story called "Harrison Bergeron"? |
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I haven't seen him out on the field, so I can't really say. All I know is we gotta stay focused, play the game the way we know we can play, and things will take care of themselves. |
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I'll take that as a "no." What we're going to do is handicap your virtues so you'll become more like a normal, ordinary human being. This set of buck teeth will blunt your All American good looks. These glasses will blur your vision, and thus bring your gaudy batting statistics back to earth. |
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What about my fielding? |
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That'll probably be about the same. |
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I'm looking forward to this new challenge, playing with a new set of eyes and teeth, playing the game the way it's supposed to be played. This should be an exciting year for the fans, we really feel we owe them one... |
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What's his problem? Why does he keep talking like that? |
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He suffers from Derek Jeter Disease. It's a chronic condition that only affects superior athletes, and prevents the victim from saying anything remotely insightful. |
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Stand him over there by Wagner. Maybe he'll pick up some jadedness by osmosis. |
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Kid, I'ma tell you what my granpappy tole me just afore he died a the black lung: can't rely on nothin' in this world 'cept yerself, a Colt .45, and a shot a good whiskey. Everything else can go burn in hell. |
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Well, I know there's a lot of doom-and-gloomers out there, but that'll just keep us motivated to play the game the way we know how to play it. |
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Cottammit, why'd I pick today to leave my cattle gun at home? |
Posted 03.25.08 8:00pm * Permalink
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