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As I prepare to leave public life, I know there is one question on all of your minds: What does 5 grand buy a man at the Emperor's Club?
The answer is, not as much as you might think.
You see, poontang's a market, like anything else. And these days, it sure as shit ain't a buyer's market.
The only thing I can compare it to is the pitching maarke tin baseball. You either got top quality pitching, or you don't. If you don't got it, you're gonna pay through the nose to get it. And I love my wife--she's been a real sport throughout this whole public humiliation thing--but she's no Josh Beckett.
At the Emperor's Club, prices start at $1000 an hour. That kinda money won't get you anything too exotic or rough, but it will get you a decent outing from a qualified professional. Think Gil Meche. In a fair world, he's not making $11 million a year, but at least you can rely on him for a quality start.
The Gil Meches of the prostitution world are fine, if you're talking back end of your rotation. Like, you're on a long business trip and you're kinda tired and you just need a little pick-me-up. But he's not gonna put you over the top. For that, you need to start spending some serious scratch.
The next tier up is a bit more of a crapshoot, like any pitcher the A's have let go in the last ten years. You could get somebody like Tim Hudson, who can really bring it when he feels like it. Or you could get a Barry Zito. His curves might have been mind blowing once upon a time, but they ain't fooling anyone anymore.
But let's face it, every five days, a man needs an ace. The wife's on your back, the kids are driving you nuts, work is insane, the house needs repairs--you need someone who's gonna make all of that go away, if only for one night. You need something to stop a losing streak, get the crowd roaring again. Some crazy, Bangkok-style, illegal-in-forty-three-states freakout session oughta do the trick.
That can be arranged, but it's gonna cost you. And it's not just the upfront fees. You gotta pay for cab fare, hotel room, minibar snacks, extra riding crops, you name it. 'Cause you can't land a big free agent with just money. Nope, she's gonna want many, many perks, my friend. I think the Mets gave Johan Santana a fleet of hovercrafts.
I know what you're wondering: Why not just pick up some chick at a bar? Sure, it's a lot cheaper, but in the long run, you get what you pay for. If I had lower standards, I could sidle up to a lonely Bartolo Colon and ask him if he comes here often. But chances are, he's not gonna be able to do the job I so desperately need him to do. Is he familiar with my preferred safety word? Is he experienced with gimp masks? Will my Little Bo Peep costume even fit him?
These worries won't pop up if I pay for a five-diamond girl. She will always hit her spots and touch the corners. Right there. Good, now touch that one. Yeah, right there. Oh, baby, you are an innings eater...
Posted 03.12.08 7:12pm * Permalink
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