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Omar Minaya and THE PANIC
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I know the Mets have had a freakish number of injuries already, but I'm not ready to panic. We've got some good youngsters, we've got some vets with spring training invites, and I think we can weather the storm until our regulars get better. |
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BILL MADDEN: No, no, no, unacceptable! You can't expect us to sit here and believe that you're not in an absolute, pants-soiling panic over this! |
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BOB RAISSMAN: My mustache has it on good authority that Luis Castillo has had his calves replaced with two lengths of PVC tubing! |
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I don't know who told you that, but that's not true. Castillo will be ready for opening day. |
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BOB RAISSMAN: Okay, I made that up. But mustache has also learned that Carlos Beltran is at death's door! He's gone to Lourdes in a last-ditch effort to purge himself of evil spirits! |
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BUSTER OLNEY: That's why you must sign Barry Bonds! Sign him before your entire outfield turns to dust! |
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We're not signing Barry Bonds, Buster. He wouldn't make us any younger, we have too many lefties already, and it would be a huge distraction to this team. |
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PEDRO GOMEZ: But I need to follow Barry around! It's all I know how to do! |
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BUSTER OLNEY: It's true! Pedro never got past fourth grade! |
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PEDRO GOMEZ: I was left on ESPN's doorstep by a heartbroken single mother! I ate Chris Berman's table scraps! |
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Look, I'd be lying if I said we weren't concerned... |
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BILL MADDEN: Tomorrow's headline--"Mets GM Terrified by Crippling Injuries! Curse Brought on by Stolen Tiki Totem!" |
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MIKE LUPICA: As we speak, I'm preparing a 5000-word editorial where I excoriate you in the most condescending way possible! Prepare to be toasted by the fiery words of the Lupinator! |
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Let me ask all of you a question: What's the point of panicking? All it would do is drive up the asking price of any player we'd hope to trade for. |
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BUSTER OLNEY: So you admit you're unhappy with the team as YOU'VE currently constructed it! |
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BILL MADDEN: "Mets GM Ready to Trade Jose Reyes for Any Healthy Players! Fans Burn Down His House in Anger!" |
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Look, if I came out here and said that I was in a panic about the state of my team, would you all of a sudden write favorable articles about me? |
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BOB RAISSMAN: Of course not! We'd write about how it's too early in spring training to be so concerned and that your rush to panic has set a horrible example for your team! |
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MIKE LUPICA: Do you have any idea who I am?! I'M MIKE FUCKING LUPICA! I'm on The Sports Reporters! If you admitted to panicking, I would DESTROY you! "Omar Minaya's spineless quivering in the face of adversity shows how he and his team are a bunch of losing losers who will never measure up to the majesty and class exemplified by the Yankees..." |
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Fine, okay, fine. I'm in a total panic. I already see this season going down the crapper. We're gonna lose 100 games, finish in last, and I'll be hung in effigy outside of Shea Stadium. |
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BILL MADDEN: We did it! We made him snap! |
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BUSTER OLNEY: Oh glorious day! |
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But it won't matter, because nothing matters. Life is nothing but a ceaseless march to the grave. From the moment we're born, we begin to die. We exist in a godless void, bereft of hope, and we all end the same way, dying alone and afraid. |
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MIKE LUPICA: Oh god, now I'm panicking! |
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BOB RAISSMAN: I'm scared! |
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WALLACE MATTHEWS: Noooo, don't be ssssscared...embrace the blacknesssssss...there is such exquisite suffering here on the Dark SSSiiiiiide... |
Posted 03.08.08 08:30pm * Permalink
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