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Tonight, the American people have spoken. They are tired of an inspiring newcomer who promises change. They want a Washington policy wonk who hasn't been outside the Beltway in 16 years.
You heard the silver tongue and inspiring speeches of Senator Obama, and you decided that America could do better. Nay, must do better! You decided America needs a president whose shrill, bleating speaking voice can peel paint at ten paces.
More importantly, you decided that Obama's simplistic message of hope is not enough. No, what the American people want is negative campaigning, and a lot of it. Vicious, hateful tactics that would make Machiavelli smile.
The old ways of negative campaigning are not enough. The American people want new solutions for smearing. That's why my people leaked the photo of Obama in native African garb. We weren't satisfied with just taking advantage of people's ignorance and latent racism. No, when the Obama camp accused us of dirty tricks, we had the audacity to suggest that the senator had nothing to be ashamed of--unless he was ashamed of wearing African clothes, in which case he should be ashamed.
The problems America faces today demand someone capable of this kind of convoluted mind-fuck logic.
But being a president isn't just about acting. Sometimes, it's knowing when not to act. Like when the Republicans' Nutso Conspiracy Wing spread total lies about Senator Obama being a Muslim. I knew to hedge my words just enough to technically disagree while also making it sound like it was possible he might be Muslim. This was a very daring move, considering that I demanded that Obama denounce Louis Farrakhan simply because someone at his church admired him.
We must not be content to stay where we are. No, now that our path is clear, we must forge ahead and go even more negative in the future. My campaign is working on an email that accuses Obama of being a Chinese Hindu. It'll be in every Outlook inbox next Monday morning. There's no way he can deny that and not look racist at the same time!
Then, we're gonna plant this story in a semi-reputable newspaper that Obama was involved in a fraternity gang rape in college. The story will immediately be discredited, but for the next six months you won't be able to mention his name without somebody saying "Didn't he, like, gang rape somebody when he was in college?"
Lastly, I want to thank all of you who have supported me during my campaign. I've learned so very much over these last few months. I've learned to believe in your dreams. I've learned to never give up. But mostly, I've learned that even among Democrats, there are still millions of Americans who'd rather vote for a condescending robotic shrew who's white than vote for anyone black.
Perhaps one day America will conquer the malingering, destructive force known as racism. Thank god it didn't happen this year!
Posted 03.05.08 09:40pm * Permalink
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