02.11.08 - Cock Fighters Are Losers, Don't Even Talk to Them!

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Cock Fighters Are Losers, Don't Even Talk to Them!

Controversy swirled last week when a video surfaced on the internet showing Pedro Martinez attending a cock fight in the Dominican Republic, drawing the ire of the never-overdramatic PETA. Pedro issued a statement insisting that cock fighting is legal in his native country and "part of our Dominican culture," and that he only attended the event because he was invited by Hall of Famer Juan Marichal (who has a history of ill-conceived violent behavior).

This explanation was not sufficient for animal rights groups. So in order to apologize and raise awareness about the serious problem of animal abuse, Pedro has agreed to appear in the following public service announcement.

SCENE: INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY
	Hey, Pedro, que paso?
	Wow, Juan Marichal, the Dominican Dandy! I idolized you growing up under the mango tree...
	That's great, 'cause I got something you just gotta try! /pulls chicken from behind his back
	What's that?
	A rooster. You know, a cock.
	My cock looks different than that. It's got a much bigger comb.
	We're gonna take this cock, sharpen its claws, fill it full of drugs, and send it snarling like a beast to kill its enemies in the ring.
	Sounds like Roger Clemens.
	So whaddya say? You wanna come to the cock fight with me?
	Gee, I dunno. Isn't cock fighting cruel and inhumane?
	Whatta you, chicken? Buck buck buck...
	No, that's a chicken in your hands right there.
	It's a cock, and I will continue my mocking animal noise. Buck buck buck...
	I'm not a chicken, you're a turkey!
	I'm talking about roosters, what're you bringing up turkeys for?
	I dunno. I'm feeling kinda hungry.
/cutaway to classroom
	Wow, Pedro's in a jam. What should he do? Katie?
	Get a teacher?
	And be a rat? Remember, Katie, snitches get stitches. How about you, Billy?
	Get outta there!
	Great idea, Billy! Now let's see if Pedro's that smart!
/back to hallway
	Well, I guess if it's accepted in our culture and I'm doing it with a Hall of Famer, it's okay!
	Now you're talking! There's no way you'll ever regret this!
/back to classroom
	Oh well, guess Pedro will have to learn the hard way. Remember, kids, cock fighting is wrong! It's not cool to harm a chicken! Unless you're breaking its limbs and drowning it in a vat of boiling water so it can made into a delicious patty! Because them boys is tasty!
	Cowabunga!

Posted 02.11.08 12:32pm * Permalink