120607 - Omar Gets A Little Negotiating Leverage

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Omar Gets A Little Negotiating Leverage

	OMAR MINAYA: Thanks for taking my call, Bill. The Mets love Johan Santana, and I hope we can come to terms on a trade.
	BILL SMITH: I hope we can, too. Just give us Jose Reyes and the entire New Orleans Zephyrs roster and you got yourself a deal.
	OMAR MINAYA: Are you serious?
	BILL SMITH: You can keep Mike DiFelice if you want.
	OMAR MINAYA: There's no way we trade Jose Reyes. He's the linchpin of our infield and our offense.
	BILL SMITH: We don't just want Jose Reyes. We also have our eyes on Tom Seaver.
	OMAR MINAYA: But he's retired. And 63 years old.
	BILL SMITH: That's why I need the Mets to invent a time machine, go back to 1964, grab Tom Seaver as a senior at USC, bring him back to the present, and give him to us. Then we'll talk.
	OMAR MINAYA: I don't understand why you want us to both give up Jose Reyes and invent time travel when you're asking the Yankees for far less proven players and not asking them to break the time/space continuum.
	BILL SMITH: Melky Cabrera's hilarious first name would bring the Twins' clubhouse some much needed joy.
	OMAR MINAYA: And you only want Jacoby Ellsbury from the Red Sox, a guy who has, like, 12 major league at bats.
	BILL SMITH: Yes, but he stole a base that won free tacos for out entire nation. You can't put a price on that kind of leadership!
	OMAR MINAYA: You're gonna wind up with nothing back for Santana except a handful of crappy draft picks. If you have no intention of making reasonable trade demands, why don't you just stop jerking around your fans and ask that moneybags owner to open up his wallet to keep Santana in Minnesota?
	BILL SMITH: ... Nah, we won't be doing that.
	OMAR MINAYA: Okay. I didn't want to do this, but you leave me no choice. I'm going to have to hand the phone over to my partner, Omar.
	BILL SMITH: Another Omar? Go ahead and try if you like, but I assure you my mind is quite made up.

Creepy whistling echoes over the phone line.

	TWINS ASSISTANT GMs: Oh shit, it's Omar! Run for your life! /scatter
	OMAR LITTLE: Whassup, my man. I heard you be holdin up this Santana bidness with some dumb bullshit.
	BILL SMITH: That's the way the game's played.
	OMAR LITTLE: No doubt. But you didn't have to do my man Omar like that. Someone got to answer for that.
	BILL SMITH: What are you thinking?
	OMAR LITTLE: I'm thinking you gimme that lefty and I don't have to pull out my sawed-off.
	BILL SMITH: The thing is, Omar, we just don't think that much of your team's prospects.
	OMAR LITTLE: And I don't think much of shovin my duster right up your ass. Just for that smart-mouth shit, I'ma have to ask you to throw Justin Morneau in the deal so's I don't lose my temper.
	BILL SMITH: What do we get?
	OMAR LITTLE: Bitch, you get to keep breathin.
	BILL SMITH: I won't respond to threats, Mr. Little.
	OMAR LITTLE: You should, since I'm standing on your fire escape.
	BILL SMITH: I don't have a fire escape outside my office.
	OMAR LITTLE: You didn't, before I built one. That's right, I built a motherfucking fire escape, just so I couId stand on it, then jump in your cozy little office and go buck-buck on your kneecaps. /shotgun blasts
	BILL SMITH: OH FUCK, MY KNEECAPS!
	OMAR LITTLE: Oh shit, son, you gonna be on the 60-day DL with a torn meniscus!
	BILL SMITH: SWEET CHRIST, THE PAIN!
	OMAR LITTLE: Does that mean we got ourselves a deal?
	BILL SMITH: /gurgles, goes into shock, collapses
	OMAR LITTLE: The cheese stands alone.

Posted 12.06.07 9:45pm * Permalink