11.08.07 - Don Shula, Mythbuster

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Don Shula, Mythbuster

New England's 9-0 start has many fans calling this year's Pats the greatest team ever. Of course, those proclamations have raised the elderly hackles of Don Shula, football's official parade-rainer-on-er. In his opinion, because of Camera-Gate, all of the team's achievements are tainted--unlike his beloved 1972 Dolphins, which are completely free of the stain of any wrongdoing.

And who also played fewer games against a far weaker schedule in a still-growing NFL with no salary cap, no free agency, and a sliver of the media attention it gets nowadays. However, I digress.

But Coach Shula doesn't save his disdain exclusively for the Patriots' impressive play. His extensive research shows that nearly every accomplishment wrought by the hand of man pales in comparison to Miami's legendary 17-0 season.

Hannibal Crossing the Alps: I been to the Alps. I been to a lotta places! But I been to the Alps, and I seen they got a buncha them, whatchamacallit, gondolas. These little booths that take you right up to the top of a mountain. I bet they got over the Alps with them things. Probably brought the elephants along just to show off.

Transcontinental Railroad: Lay down ties, lay down iron on top--what's so hard about that? They had to go through mountains? Big deal. Get some dynamite, blast a hole, get some Chinamen to dig out the rocks, boom, you're done. They dragged it out for years so everybody would feel sorry for them. And I happen to know that the golden spike was actually made out of a spray painted hunk of cookie dough.

The Moon Landing: Everybody knows we didn't really land on the moon, but it ain't for the reasons you think. Nope, the real reason the US faked the moon landing was so's they could artificially drive up sales of Tang and appease the powerful powdered drink lobby in Washington. You don't wanna get on those guys' wrong side. Believe me, they run that town. Joe Gibbs told me some stories that'd make your head spin, fella.

The Great Wall of China: Did you know it's not a whole wall? I seen pictures--there's huge chunks of the thing missing. To me, a wall's one big piece. Otherwise, it's just a big pile of rocks, some space, and some more rocks. How do you keep the damn gophers and teenagers off your lawn with a wall like that? Not impressed, buddy.

Theory of Relativity: Okay, Einstein did determine that the space-time continuum is curved because of the effect of gravity. And yeah, he showed that events are perceived differently by different observers depending on the motion of said of observers through space and time. And yeah, he also showed us that there's no such thing as an absolute rest or absolute frame of reference, and matter and energy are equivalent, and the speed of light is a universal constant. But Einstein's dismissive attitude toward quantum mechanics late in life betrayed an almost childish clinging to the theories that had made him famous, which made him appear more concerned with protecting his legacy than further advancing scientific thinking. Also, he had funny hair.

Posted 11.08.07 9:15pm * Permalink