UPCOMING EVENTS
Watch this space!
ESPN Will Not Be Outgreened
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CHRIS BERMAN: So, those fancy pants liberals at NBC decided to go green for their Football Night in America show. Two can play at that game, folks, 'cause no one does meaningless gestures like ESPN. Tonight's show is not just green--it's completely Luddite. As you can see, we've moved our operations into a 19th-century log cabin. Ron Jaworski's out chopping down some timber to power our wood-burning transmitter. After the show, we're going to dine on fatback, hardtack, and day-old bread soaked in kerosene. And to light the studio, we set Stuart Scott on fire |
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STUART SCOTT: Boo-yah! My flesh is melting! |
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CHRIS BERMAN: Let's go to our first set of highlights, Vikings versus Chargers. Our correspondent Erin Andrews is on the scene, and according to the smoke signals I see off in the distance, Adrian "1-2-3 Re-" Peterson rushed for an NFL record...293 yards. No wait, that's 296 yards. Sorry, a bird got in the way of that last puff. Here's the record-breaking run, as reconstructed in the flipbook medium by Tom Jackson. |
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TOM JACKSON: / flips through pages/ This stick figure with the helmet, that's AP. And that brick-looking thing in his left stick, that's a football. Here he is running into the endzone. And if you turn the book around, I got a totally cool flipbook animation of this guy falling off a building onto a bunch of spikes. |
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CHRIS BERMAN: We planned on showing you some killer etchings and woodcuts from that game. But the courier transporting them caught gangrene somewhere in the Ozarks and had to have his foot amputated. So those will have to wait until later this week, when he gets back his strength and hires a new Indian guide. So I ask you, Coach Ditka, Adrian Peterson's gotta be the rookie of the year, doesn't he? |
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MIKE DITKA: Did you say that, Boomer? I'm having trouble seeing you. The light's fading fast in here |
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CHRIS BERMAN: I figured Stuart Scott would burn longer. Guess we better throw another SportsCenter anchor on the fire. /tosses Kenny Mayne on the pile/ |
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KENNY MAYNE: Dare I say it? En fuego. |
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KEYSHAWN JOHNSON: Boomer? *huffa puffa* Can I slow down now? *huffa puffa* |
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CHRIS BERMAN: But if you stop pedaling that enormous bicycle, our analog cameras will go out! |
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TOM JACKSON: How do those things even work? |
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CHRIS BERMAN: Funny you should ask. Scott Van Pelt was able to whittle some crude vacuum tubes out of maple. You know, maple is the best wood for vacuum tubes. Then, he... |
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TOWN CRYER: Hear ye, hear ye. The New England Patriots hath trumphed over the Indianapolis Colts. |
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MIKE DITKA: What was the final score? |
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TOWN CRYER: ... |
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CHRIS BERMAN: After the break, we'll have an update on Chad Johnson's injury from Len Pasquarelli, coming to us by tin can telephone. But first, this message from Eli Whitney's Cotton Gins. |
Posted 11.05.07 08:07pm * Permalink
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