11.02.07 - NFL Sunday Countdown: That Game Again

* Home * RSS Feed * Archives * Who Dis? * Contact

UPCOMING EVENTS

Watch this space!

NFL Sunday Countdown: That Game Again

	CHRIS BERMAN: It's that time of year again, folks: Colts vs. Pats for all the marbles. And by all the marbles, of course I mean "bragging rights in a not-quite-half-completed NFL season." This is it, people: The Big Enchilada. The Great Santini. The Importance of Being Earnest. Both teams come into this matchup undefeated. Tom "Ooh" Brady "I Love Your Way" and the Patriots have all of New England peeing in their clam chowder with excitement. Meanwhile, Peyton "It Like A" Manning and the Colts have Indy fans doing whatever the hell it is you do in Indianapolis. I put the question to you, NFL Sunday Countdown members: Is this the greatest game ever?
	TOM JACKSON: Definitely, Boomer. I know I said that about last year's AFC championship game. And I know I said it about the AFC championship game the year before that. And I know I said it about last week's Jets-Bengals game. And I think I also might have said it about these two dogs I saw barking at each other in the street the other day. But this time I really, really mean it, because this time it's happening right now! Not in the past, like those other stupid games. God, I hate the past so much.
	RON JAWORSKI: I agree whole heartedly. To prepare for this battle, I've watched film of every single play of every single Pats and Colts game this year, at every conceivable angle, 72 times each. In order to do that, I've been mainlining Mountain Dew, Jolt, Red Bull, cocaine, and trucker-strength crank. And from watching all of this film, I have come to the following conclusion: the Patriots and Colts are two very good football teams.
	MIKE DITKA: If you guys could just shut your stupid pie-holes for three goddamn seconds, I could tell you why you're all morons destined to burn in the most fiery depths of Moron Hell. This game can not be the greatest game in NFL history because it involves neither the Chicago Bears nor myself. End of story.
	CHRIS BERMAN: Despite your dissent, Coach Ditka, I think it's fair to say that this game, regardless of its outcome, will go down as the greatest game in NFL history.
	MIKE DITKA: News flash, America: I beat the Patriots in a Super Bowl. Therefore, they suck. Always.
	CHRIS BERMAN: But could this matchup also be the greatest football game in baseball history? To answer that question, we go live by phone to ESPN's senior baseball analyst, Peter Gammons in Boston.
	PETER GAMMONS: Did you just ask me if the Pats-Colts game would be the greatest football game in baseball history?
	MIKE DITKA: It's a simple question, Poindexter. Answer it or I'll rip out your throat with my steely jaws.
	PETER GAMMONS: Um, sure /hangs up
	CHRIS BERMAN: There you have it! The question now becomes, who is the better QB, Tom "Heinz Homestyle" Brady or Peyton "Dakota" Manning? To answer this question, here's our senior Post Concussion Syndrome Analyst, Emmit Smith.
	EMMIT SMITH: When you lookin at Tom Brady, you lookin at a football PLAYER. He a player who touches the FOOTBALL. Peyton Manning, he touch the football in the AIR. They playin football on the FIELD. Football is a SPORT.
	CHRIS BERMAN: Thank you, Emmit. Let us know when we need to get you back to the home. Do the rest of you guys care to make a prediction?
	RON JAWORSKI: Very tough to say, Boomer. Both of these teams can beat you in so many ways. By examining the film and box scores, and asking some guys I know down at the track, I found one pattern that emerged, one that unites these two seemingly different football teams: both of them have defeated their opponents by scoring more points than them . The team that continues this trend will emerge victorious on Sunday.
	TOM JACKSON: It's so hard to say, but I do where all eyes will be glued come 4:15 on Sunday. That's right, here on ESPN as we watch the game in studio and relay all the exciting action a mere 20 seconds after it happened. Why watch the game live on CBS when you can hear us describe it to you and talk over each other all at once?
	MIKE DITKA: You know what? I don't give two shits who wins this game. Does that make me a bitter, soulless man? Yes, it does. I don't need a soul; I got a killer moustache.
	CHRIS BERMAN: C'mon Coach, you have to make a prediction.
	MIKE DITKA: Okay, I predict Peyton Manning dies in a grease fire, and Tom Brady is torn apart by baboons. And I also predict that I will rip off one of your arms and beat you to death with it if you don't stop telling me what I have to do.
	CHRIS BERMAN: Now for a "humorous" look at Sunday's game, here's the oppressively unfunny duo of Mike and Mike in the Morning!
	MIKE GREENBERG: Hey, I like sports but I'm neat and fragile, which makes me gay somehow but not in the "lookin' at dudes gay"-way which would make our audience way too uncomfrotable and that's funny for some reason!
	MIKE GOLIC: Obesity is hilarious! /eats three pounds of lard dipped in butter, has massive coronary/

Posted 11.02.07 07:21pm * Permalink