10.30.07 - Saw 27: Ideas and Money Run Low

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Saw 27: Ideas and Money Run Low

	DETECTIVE: /slowly blinking awake/ Oh god, I'm chained to this chair. Where am I?!
	JIGSAW: You are in my lair, where you will be tortured in mind and body to show you the errors of your ways and the utter waste of your life.
	DETECTIVE: It looks like somebody's basement.
	JIGSAW: We call it the rumpus room.
	DETECTIVE: I like that Spuds Mackenzie poster. Where'd you get that?
	JIGSAW: There's this dude on eBay...Silence! You will not distract me from my mission! To prove that most of humanity is undeserving of life. And I shall do that by depriving them of life in the most gruesome ways possible. In order to punish a man for poor dental hygiene, I had a bonobo chimp pull all of his teeth out. To show a woman the folly of posting on the Television Without Pity message boards, I forced her to drink hydrochloric acid.
	DETECTIVE: I thought you were dead.
	JIGSAW: I am. But thanks to my many minions and an infinite amount of prerecorded audio tapes, I continue to torture my victims from beyond the grave
	DETECTIVE: So you totally prerecorded everything you're saying, right now, to me?
	JIGSAW: ... Yes, but occasionally the timing is off. Speaking of time, detective, you are quickly running out of it. I am giving you one hour to complete my little game. Either saw your own face off with a rusty spoon, or shoot yourself in the kneecap with a harpoon.
	DETECTIVE: What the hell kind of game is that?
	JIGSAW: It's a game that proves that doing either of those things really fucking hurts. It also proves that people are willing to watch other people disfigure themselves as long as there's some bullshit morality behind it.
	DETECTIVE: How about I just don't play your stupid game?
	JIGSAW: You have to play! There's no movie if you don't play along!
	DETECTIVE: No way! I don't wanna cut my face off, and I don't wanna shoot myself in the knee with a harpoon.
	JIGSAW: If you don't play...there's, um, there's gonna be some trouble, mister. You betcha.
	DETECTIVE: I could just leave right now if I wanted to. What're these handcuffs made of, Nerf?
	JIGSAW: I carved them out of planter's foam, okay?
	DETECTIVE: Jesus, this isn't scary. It's depressing.
	JIGSAW: Listen, I'm kinda low on funds right now. I spent all my money on the first 26 movies. You know how much cash it takes to design and build elaborate torture devices? You just can't go to Lowe's and say, "Let's build something together--how about a plastic box full of broken glass with a razor-sharp collapsible door?" Not to mention paying my minions. Even the most willing minions have to eat, you know. And those health plans are killing me. Fucking insurance companies killing the small business employer. So I can't afford to rent out abandoned hospitals and insane asylums anymore and I have to make do with my basement, er, rumpus room. So you'd really be doing me a favor if you could saw your face off.
	DETECTIVE: Fuck you. /snaps foam handcuffs/
	JIGSAW: How about you impale yourself on a rusty hook? Just a little bit.
	DETECTIVE: No. /ascends stairs/
	JIGSAW: Detective, if you leave this basement...
	DETECTIVE: Rumpus room.
	JIGSAW: If you leave this rumpus room, you will find a twist ending so shocking, so horrifying, that you will go mad, and your intestines will boil with terror, and you might actually pee yourself a little bit.
	DETECTIVE: /opens basement door/ Look, it's kinda cloudy outside. It was nice and sunny last time I checked.
	JIGSAW: You see, detective? Have you been driven insane yet? The horror!!

Posted 10.30.07 07:52pm * Permalink