10.29.07 - Ken Rosenthal Has Become Unstuck in Time

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Ken Rosenthal Has Become Unstuck in Time

While visiting a top secret government laboratory, Fox Sports reporter Ken Rosenthal got too close to an experimental particle accelerator and was sucked into a wormhole in the time/space continuum. Now he skips across the farthest reaches of the eons, interrupting historic events with breaking hot stove news. He can not come home until every single moment of historical import has been sufficiently ruined.

November 19, 1863, Gettysburg, Pennsylvania

	ABRAHAM LINCOLN: The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget...
	KEN ROSENTHAL: Mr. President, I'd like to interrupt this moving eulogy to fallen Union soldiers to tell our viewers that Curt Schilling would like to return to the Red Sox next year, but Boston may not be willing to give him the multiyear deal he's seeking.
	ABRAHAM LINCOLN: Please, sir, we are mourning the dead here.
	KEN ROSENTHAL: Speaking of which, any deal sending Hideki Matsui to Seattle is completely dead in the water.

August 8, 1974, Washington, D.C.

	RICHARD NIXON: Therefore, I shall resign the presidency effective...
	KEN ROSENTHAL: Mr. President, if I could just cut in during the end of our long national nightmare, I'd like to report that the Angels remain the front runners to sign Alex Rodriguez, though there are some stirrings that the Giants could enter the fray, now that they've shed Barry Bonds' contract.
	RICHARD NIXON: [expletive deleted]

1215, Jin Dynasty region of eastern China

	GENGHIS KHAN: /sacks Beijing/
	KEN ROSENTHAL: Pardon me, emperor of all emperors, but I thought I should let my viewers know that my sources tell me that the Yankees will make a big push to sign Andruw Jones.
	GENGHIS KHAN: /continues raping and pillaging/
	KEN ROSENTHAL: I don't get it, Al. Why haven't I leapt yet?
	AL: I don't know, Ken. Gooshie's stumped. Try some Johan Santana rumors or something.
	KEN ROSENTHAL: Temujin, if I may call you that, I thought you should know that the Los Angeles Dodgers...
	GENGHIS KHAN: /decapitates Ken Rosenthal, puts head on pike/
	KEN ROSENTHAL'S HEAD: Oh boy...

Posted 10.29.07 08:31pm * Permalink