10.26.07 - The World Series on Fox: Of Tacos and Twinkies

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The World Series on Fox: Of Tacos and Twinkies

	JEANNE ZELASKO: To start our game 2 coverage, here's our crazy gonzo correspondent Eric Byrnes, an outfielder whose scrappy play, adequate bat, and white, white skin has made him the darling of pasty sportswriters everywhere. He was so eager to join us in the broadcast booth that he made sure the Diamondbacks tanked as quickly as possible. Eric, I hear you have a special guest with you.
	ERIC BRYNES: Yes I do, Jeanne. As you know, Taco Bell has promised to give a yummy taco to every man, woman, and child in the United States if a runner steals a base in this World Series. I'm here with Rockies catcher Yorvit Torrealba, one of the men charged with denying America a taste of this delicious snack food, now made with three whole ingredients that can actually be found in nature. Yorvit, can I call you the Taco Blocker?
	YORVIT TORREALBA: Please don't.
	ERIC BRYNES: Yorvy, when you get a Taco Bell taco, do you gobble it up right away, or do you savor every scrumptious, semi-digestible bite? Me, I like to open up the shell, eat everything inside with my bare hands, then coat the tortilla with hot sauce and peanut butter and eat it like rolled-up piece of bologna.
	YORVIT TORREALBA: I don't eat at Taco Bell. In my native Venezuela, their food is considered a hate crime.
	ERIC BRYNES: So what's your favorite Taco Bell Meat-Flavored Item? The Cruncheesy Melt? The Queso Quesa-Do-Ya? The Enchil-Lotta Bel-Grotunda? The Colon Violator-Rita? The Behemo-Mole Shrimp-Seasoned Chicken?
	YORVIT TORREALBA: I just told you I don't eat there.
	ERIC BRYNES: The Pork Tornado-Munga? The Hugo Chavez Nacho-Chonga? The Beef and Jelly Ranch Cheddar Chuleta? The Alfredo Chicken Nuggets con Carne? The Gar-Frita-Bel-Chimi-Cita-Ola-Cheesy Chili-Oscopy?
	YORVIT TORREALBA: Are you retarded?
	ERIC BRYNES: There you have it, America. The man loves his tacos.
	YORVIT TORREALBA: Next time we play you guys, I'm telling Jeff Francis to aim a pitch right at your stupid spiky dome.
	JEANNE ZELASKO: Thanks, Eric. We now send it up to the booth, where Joe Buck and Tim McCarver are standing by. Joe and Tim, can you tell us anything about game 2 that we already don't know?
	JOE BUCK: Of course not, Jeanne, but we're gonna talk anyway. This is Joe Buck, the velvety smooth voice of baseball, a man who's reached the pinnacle of the sports announcing world completely on his own talents, with absolutely no help from famous relatives. Last night, the Red Sox rocked the Rockies (see what I did there?) to take a commanding 1-0 lead in the series. But apparently, they're being asked to play yet another game against a clearly inferior opponent.
	TIM MCCARVER: In mah opinion, the Rockies can't afford to fall too far behind in tonight's game. In game 1, Colorado wound up losing by 12 runs. Statistics show that when you're losing by 12 runs, you have to score at least 12 runs to catch up. And that's not easy to do when you only score one run, like the Rockies did last night.
	JOE BUCK: Tonight's first pitch is brought to you by Budweiser. Bring home a case tonight--it tastes like canned corn and will give you diarrhea that smells like a microwaved corpse. Tonight's starter for the Red Sox: Curt Schilling, a man whose dominance in the postseason is only matched by his love of talking about his dominance in the postseason. We tore him away from a wicked session of World of Warcraft to get his thoughts on game 2.
	CURT SCHILLING: When Curt Schilling takes the mound, Curt Schilling will be a force of nature. Curt Schilling was put on this earth to be the best damn Curt Schilling that Curt Schilling can be. Curt Schilling can not fail, because that would mean that humanity itself has failed. Curt Schilling does not need your praise. Curt Schilling does not need your faith. Curt Schilling does not need your fealty. But before the night is over, all three of these things Curt Schilling shall have.
	JOE BUCK: Class act. And it's a beautiful night for baseball here at the cathedral of baseball called Fenway Park. We call it a cathedral because its seats are about as cramped and uncomfortable as a medieval church pew.
	TIM MCCARVER: Here's an interesting fact, Joe. Fenway Park was named after Admiral Wiggenbotham Fenway, a British rear admiral who discovered the Red Sox at Plymouth Rock way back in 1789.

Top of the first: Todd Helton's groundout gives Rockies a 1-0 lead.

	JOE BUCK: The first run of the game is brought to you by the NFL Sunday on Fox. Do you like hearing four morons yell at each other all at once? Then you'll love our pre- and post-game show. Terry Bradshaw has completely stopped using words altogether, and only grunts at Jimmie Johnson and hurls his feces against the wall.
	TIM MCCARVER: If you look it up, you'll find out that almost 100 percent of all baserunners who score do so by touching home plate. They can use virtually any part of their body, but they must touch it. With their body.

Bottom of the fourth: after a walk and a double, Jason Varitek hits a sacrifice fly to tie the game at 1.

	JOE BUCK: This game tying sac fly brought to you by Transformers, now out on a DVD with exclusive commentary by Michael Bay, where he reveals the secrets of turning childhood nostalgia into a blockbuster movie.
	TIM MCCARVER: If Ubaldo Jimenez can keep the Sox from scoring any more runs, he will be a "Real American Hero" in Denver. That's from Transformers, right?
	JOE BUCK: No, that's G.I. Joe.
	TIM MCCARVER: Okay, then let's hope Jimenez is "smarter than the average bear".
	JOE BUCK: That's Yogi Bear.
	TIM MCCARVER: Aren't Transformers bears who live in a state park and steal picnic baskets?
	JOE BUCK: No, they're robots that change shape. And look, Jacoby Ellsbury just stole a base! That means America will have a free taco tomorrow! Surely that is one of the gutsiest, hungriest base running plays in World Series history. Oh, and Jimenez gets a groundout to end a scoring threat.
	TIM MCCARVER: Taco Bell tacos are truly "more than meets the eye".

Bottom of the fifth: Mike Lowell's double gives the Red Sox a 2-1 lead and knocks Ubaldo Jimenez out of the game.

	JOE BUCK: That go ahead run was brought to you by McDonalds. Did you know that one Angus burger contains more calories than are consumed by the entire island of Jamaica in one year? Try one today--we guarantee you'll want to take a shower afterwards.
	TIM MCCARVER: Way back in 1965, I was hit in the head with a Juan Marichal fastball. I saw double for about three months, and ever since then everything I eat tastes vaguely like Twinkies.
	JOE BUCK: Do I dare ask what that has to do with the game?
	TIM MCCARVER: I sure could go for a deep-fried Twinkie right now.

Hideki Okajima and Jonathan Papelbon hold off the Rockies to secure a 2-1 Boston win.

	JOE BUCK: Now that an exciting, well-fought game has come to an end, we're going to do what we always do: show you pictures of random jackasses in the crowd. This end of the game Pan Across the Grandstand brought to you by Some Piece of Shit Show on Fox, now airing sometime during the week, starring, oh, let's say Dabney Coleman.
	TIM MCCARVER: Statistics show that Dabney Coleman has starred in more failed vehicles than GM puts out in a decade.
	JOE BUCK: How long have you been waiting to use that line?
	TIM MCCARVER: Ever since "Drexell's Class" went off the air.

Posted 10.26.07 8:07am * Permalink