10.02.07 - The Scratchbomb MLB Playoffs Preview

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The Scratchbomb MLB Playoffs Preview

As any reader of this site must realize, Scratchbomb's favorite team did not make it to the baseball playoffs. In fact, they failed to do so in historic fashion. But does that mean I'm gonna hide my head in the sand and not watch the playoffs? Hell no! I will use the bile and seething rage in the pit of my stomach to ~~crush my enemies~~ enjoy baseball even more! That which does not kill me merely makes me sicker!

However, even though I usually trust snap judgment and grudges, I didn't feel fully qualified in making predictions or assessments of the various postseason contenders. So I've asked a few guests to cover their favorite squadrons and face off against one another. First up, we've got the editor of the excellent Angels blog Heapin' Handfuls o' Haloes, and for the Red Sox, we've got Sully from Southie.

	HHOH: You have to feel good about the Angels' pitching staff, led by Cy Young candidate Jon Lackey. And the bullpen is no slouch, either. The real question is, can this offense manage much against arms like Josh Beckett...
	SULLY: YAH DOOD! JETER SUCKS A-ROD!
	HHOH: Um, those guys don't play for the Angels.
	SULLY: HEY CHIEF, DID YOU JUST CALL ME QUEEH?!
	HHOH: No, of course not!
	SULLY: CUZ IT SURE SOUNDED LIKE YOU JUST CALLED ME QUEEAH!
	HHOH: It didn't sound like that at all.
	SULLY: I'LL FUCK YOU IN THE ASS IF YOU CALL ME QUEEAH!
	HHOH: That makes no sense.
	SULLY: THAT'S BECAUSE I'M FUCKIN HAMMAHED, BRO! ME AND MY BOY SULLY BEEN DRINKIN SPARKS AND EVERCLEAR SINCE 6 O'CLOCK LAST THURSDAY JUST TO PROVE THAT THE SAWX ARE GONNA WIN IT ALL!
	HHOH: How does that prove that the Sox are gonna win it all?
	SULLY: CUZ I'M WICKED RETARDED, BRO!

And for the other AL divisional series, we have two very special celebrity guests. For the Yankees, esteemed star of stage and screen Billy Crystal. And for the Indians, graphic novel scribe Harvey Pekar.

BILLY CRYSTAL: "Great to be here, man, I mean that. Attica, man." See, that's Sammy Davis, Jr., a completely timely impression. I've loved the Yankees my whole life. See, I grew up idolizing Mickey Mantle. And I say this all the time because it was totally out of character for a kid who grew up in New York in the 1950s and 1960s to idolize Mickey Mantle. This year's team is just as exciting as the M&M Boys, as long as you don't ask me to name too many of them. I can't wait to get back to the old Stadium and roar along with the crowd in my climate controlled luxury box, alongside Regis Philbin, Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Kofi Annan, and some douchebag flavor of the month celebrity in a pink NY hat.

HARVEY PEKAR: Rocky Colavito came into my old man's store once. His Cadillac broke down up the block. I don't know what he was doing in the neighborhood. Maybe looking for chicks. Maybe visiting a bookie. I wanted to ask for his autograph, but my old man told me not to bug him and finish sweeping the floor back by the icebox. I wasn't mad about it. I thought, hey, if he came in here once, he'll come back again. Needless to say, he never did. I guess I should hate my old man, but he taught me not to expect to be happy. Be disappointed. Then, anything good that happens to you is a bonus. Indians in 4. Go Tribe.

Moving over to the NL, here's Danny Schmidt from the Philly sports blog Fuck Santa Claus in the Pants, and Dakota Sunflower Williams, editor of the weekly alternative newspaper the Boulder Free Press.

	DANNY SCHMIDT: RUSH LIMBAUGH WAS RIGHT!! GET RIDDA MCNABB! RIP HIS FACE OFF! /lights D-cell on fire, chucks it
	DAKOTA SUNFLOWER WILLIAMS: What, the Rockies are in the playoffs? That's a baseball team, right? Shit, man. I totally forgot we had one. Oh fuck. Oh man. Oh, just lemme get my head together for a sec. Oh. My. God. I would stab myself in the dick for some lo mein right now.

And finally, here's Diamondbacks blog Hot Snakes and The Ghost of the Billy Goat.

	HOT SNAKES: This Diamondbacks team is truly a team of destiny. If you look at the pure stats, there's simply no way this team should win anything! But full of young future superstars and scrappy overachievers like Eric Byrnes, this is a team that truly believes it can do anything--including beat the Cubs and advance to the championship series!
	GHOST OF THE BILLY GOAT: Of coursssssse you will, for the Cubsssss are cursssssed. I shall guarantee their demisssssse.
	HOT SNAKES: How will you do that?
	GHOST OF THE BILLY GOAT: Aramisssss Ramirez will contract leprosy, and Carlossssss Zambrano will be hanged for treason.

Scratchbomb's Not In The Least Bit Bitter Predictions

Yankees in 5: I wanna pick against the Bombers, but they're playing the Indians, so there you go. The Tribe are one of those teams The Baseball Gods forgot to give a colorful curse to--they just make sure they never win anything.

Red Sox in 4: Because Boston actually has something resembling an offense. Prepare for another Yankees-Sox ALCS, ESPN's wet dream.

Phillies in 4: Over/under on runs scored in this series: eighty quintillion times infinity. Take the over.

Cubs in 4: I say this even though it means we're doomed to incessant shots of Jim Belushi. Hopefully, that'll be balanced out by some Bill Murray exposure.

Posted 10.02.07 10:11pm * Permalink