08.01.07 - Open Letter to Various Elements of My MySpace Home Page

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Open Letter to Various Elements of My MySpace Home Page

* Dear Mortgage Ad:

Your seizure-inducing graphics have inspired me. I hope that body art technology catches up with the internet soon. Because for my next tattoo, I'd really like an animation of three silhouettes in fedoras dancing back and forth. And I would also like them to alert the public about the great APR's in various states of the union.

* Dear Creepy Crush Ad:

You seem very sure of yourself, if your use of eighteen exclamation marks is any indication, but I'm almost positive that none of my friends has a crush on me.

Even if you are correct about this secret crush, that's something I'd prefer to stay in the dark about. Most of my friends are people I've known for a long time. So I find the thought of one of them harboring an unspoken, childish crush for several years to be soul-destroying. If I found that out about any of my friends, I'd not only avoid them like the plague, but I'd probably stop leaving my house for fear of seeing anyone I knew ever again.

Plus, I'm married and I doubt my wife would be cool with the whole crush thing. Though maybe you could ask her--who knows! It might turn out to be a hilarious romantic comedy-type situation.

I was intrigued by your web site's promise of "flirting tips" texted to me for only $5.99. With the price of flirting tips going through the roof, that is quite a bargain! However, you totally turned me off when, as I closed your Firefox tab, you sent up a Java alert to ask me if I REALLY wanted to navigate from your page. That's way too needy for me. I need my space, Sad Anonymous Friend.

* Dear Even Creepier Crush Ad:

I was turned off by your grammatical incorrectitude, which seemed to indicate that English is not your first language ("You Have 7 Friend Request!"). I hope that doesn't make me a racist. But I was downright disturbed by your insistence that a "friend" I recently added has a crush on me. Because the only "friend" I've added in the last month is a relative of mine. So I don't know what you heard or where you heard it from, but that's just gross.

* Dear Potential MySpace Friend:

Thank you for the invite, *~~cAnDY69~~!!1!@!, but I will not be requiring your Friend services at this time. Something about your home page made the invite seem less than sincere. I think it was the plethora of ads for ringtones and iPod accessories and cheap Canadian Viagra.

Perhaps you might consider concentrating on one commercial endeavor. Trying to sell phones and pharmaceuticals and computer equipment all at once might be spreading yourself too thin. Stick with what you do well, which is apparently taking pictures of yourself in a closet door mirror while wearing a pleather bikini.

* Dear Top Comedian List:

I'm glad to see your list is topped by Carlos Mencia, as I consider him the most revolutionary comic working today. I like his joke about how different races are different from each other, as this is something that no comedian has ever pointed out before. Going against centuries of comedic tradition, he has formed an act completely devoid of any laughs at all, while also swiping about 35% of his bits from other stand-ups. I applaud you for giving him some much needed exposure.

* Dear Blog Commenter:

Thanks for commenting on my serious, heartfelt blog entry in order to offer me a $500 K-Mart gift card. I wasn't award K-Mart still existed! If I ever get a hankering for a Bedazzler or acres of shit-ugly Jaclyn Smith active wear, I'll let you know. In the meantime, here's my counteroffer: fall off a 60-story building into a dump truck filled with leukemia.

* Dear Pimp It Out Ad:

I would like to submit my car to your "pimping" contest. Once transformed, could you make sure that my car will physically and emotionally abuse poor, uneducated women in order to form a dysfunctional Stockholm Syndrome bond for economic gain? Because that's what pimps do and pimps are awesome, apparently.

Also, I admire your contest's selectivity, insisting that you will only accept "cars, trucks, and SUV's". Keep away those dirty golf carts and unicycles, I say.

* Dear Velvet Revolver All Live-Request Webcast Ad:

I would like to request that Scott Weiland be impaled by a forklift. Thank you.

Posted 08.01.07 07:23pm * Permalink