UPCOMING EVENTS
Watch this space!
ESPN Judges Life, the Universe, and Everything
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STUART SCOTT: Booyah! As you all know, SportsCenter's Who's Now! segments have swept the nation. Everywhere you go, this amazing new market-tested phrase has permeated pop culture. You can literally not walk down the street without hearing someone so, "Yo, that guy's so fresh and fly, he's now!" or "You wanna know who's now? That chick is now!" But most importantly, this amazing bracket-style tournament has allowed us to finally pit athletes from completely different sports against one another and determine who is most Now! And it's all thanks to our panel of expert judges and ESPN's set of rigorous Now Criteria. |
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KEYSHAWN JOHNSON: Venus Williams is better than Ted Williams because Venus designs clothes and she isn't a frozen head. |
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STUART SCOTT: So we figured, if we can force people to watch wizened alcoholics play cards all day and call it a sport, then obviously anything ESPN shows must be a sport. So why stop at just ranking athletes? Our Who's Now! tournament has been expanded a bit. By eight million slots, give or take. We will now be taking the greatest things in the world--animal, vegetable, mineral, you name it!--and putting them head to head to find out What's Now! |
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MICHAEL WILBON: I have a vague feeling in the pit of my stomach that makes me uneasy about this. It can't be journalistic integrity, since I got rid of all of mine a long time ago. So I'm just going to ignore this feeling and pledge fealty to the Worldwide Leader. I deem this idea the best thing that human beings have ever done. |
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STUART SCOTT: Of course you do, if you don't wanna end up like Hal Reynolds. First up: seed number 8,742, Chicago-style deep dish pizza against seed number 43,819, the collected works of Mark Twain. |
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MICHAEL WILBON: First of all, I can't believe Mark Twain wasn't seeded higher than 43,819. For Huckleberry Finn alone, he should at least be in the low 12,300's. |
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KIRK HERBSTREIT: I gotta give the edge to deep dish pizza. It's hot, it's cheesy, and it goes great with beer, and I can't say any of that about The Adventures of Tom Sawyer . |
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KEYSHAWN JOHNSON: It's a tough call. On the one hand, Mark Twain's writing is quintessentially American and helped this country truly conceive of itself, while at the same time pointing up the foibles and hypocrises of the petty despots of the everyday. On the other hand, deep dish pizza be hittin the spot. |
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STUART SCOTT: Special guest judge Adam Sandler, what do you think is the most Now? |
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ADAM SANDLER: /makes retard noises for five minutes, collects several million dollars |
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STUART SCOTT: You heard it, foks! So deep dish pizza advances to the next round, where it will face off the winner of the French toast/comfy sofa battle. Next up: seed number 797, a picturesque summer sunset, versus seed number 25,991, The Wizard of Oz. |
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KEYSHAWN JOHNSON: This is a tough one. You can watch them both, with your eyes, so they're even on that front. One of 'em you need a TV and DVD player to watch it, the other one you need a window and a pleasant view. Damn, my puzzler hurts. |
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MICHAEL WILBON: I'm going with the sunset. Munchkins are creepy, and they remind me far too much of Tony Kornheiser. |
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KIRK HERBSTREIT: I don't know, maybe it's the weather or the painkillers wearing off, but suddenly this whole Now thing seems really, really stupid. How am I supposed to judge between two completely different things? And what happens to the winner? They get to be the most Now? What the hell does that mean? |
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STUART SCOTT: If you won't play ball, Herbstreit, we got plenty of clowns waiting in the wings to take your place. Wheel 'em on in, folks. |
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DICK VITALE: It's gotta be the sunset, baby! It's a beautiful manifestation of the grandeur of nature! And it's orange and red and yellow, just like a DiGiorno pizza! I can't think of anything more beautiful except for Coach K's brilliant face! |
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LEE CORSO: Not so fast, my friend! |
Posted 07.14.07 2:07pm * Permalink
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