06.27.07 - Baseball Tonight Dies Harder

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Baseball Tonight Dies Harder!

	KARL RAVECH: Welcome to Baseball Tonight, on ESPN, the Worldwide Leader in poker-related programming and NASCAR highlights. It's been an AMAZING week in baseball, during which an ENORMOUS amount of events occurred. Most importantly, a bunch of players who have been playing forever and are therefore legends did THINGS on a baseball field.
	STEVE PHILLIPS: Old players are the best. They're like fast food--you probably won't be surprised or overwhelmed, but you know exactly what you'll get, right down the placement of the last microwaved pickle slice. Young prospects, who knows what they're gonna be! That's why minor leaguers are only good for trading for Jeromy Burnitz or Kevin Appier.
	KARL RAVECH: Of course, the biggest story this weekend was the ROCKET himself! Roger Clemens showed he was a true team player this weekend by making a relief appearance, his first since 1984. And he only gave up one run! 1984, as you may remember, is also the name of a novel by George Orwell set in a dystopia in which all historical perspective has been smothered and language has been completely robbed of its meaning. So is it safe to say that Clemens is now the GREATEST reliever in the history of time?
	JOHN KRUK: Without a doubt. A lot of media types ripped the Yankees for giving Clemens a contract that allowed him to spend time away from the team. Look, he made a road trip! All the way to San Francisco! That's, like, next to a totally different ocean than the one next to New York! That's what makes Clemens great: doing exactly what is expected of each of his teammates.
	STEVE PHILLIPS: I totally could have signed Roger Clemens as a free agent when I was GM of the Mets--did I mention, by the way, that I used to be GM of the Mets? But his personal demands were far too high. Plus, I was very busy at that time trying to trade Melvin Mora, Jay Payton, Jeff Kent, Jason Isringhausen, Marco Scutaro and Jose Reyes for a jockstrap once owned by Harmon Killebrew.
	DUSTY BAKER: Joe Torre made the right decision by pressing Roger Clemens into relief duty. I just wish he'd kept him on the mound longer, for 175 pitches or so. I used to make Mark Prior and Kerry Wood throw at least 300 pitches in the bullpen every day between starts, then go home and tie their arms to a ceiling fan. That's how you build up arm strength--keep moving your throwing arm until that tingling sensation at the tips of your fingers passes away into an eerie dead numbness.
	KARL RAVECH: Not only did Roger Clemens have to relieve for the Yankees, but he faced off against Barry Bonds, who is fast approaching his own HISTORIC milestone. And Clemens showed his gut and determination in an EPIC five pitch battle, resulting in a WALK. We here at ESPN want you to know that Bonds is fast approaching Hank Aaron's all-time home run mark, and we will cut into any program to bring you footage of his every at-bat. Quite Frankly, Stump the Schwab, The World Series of Jarts, Bill Simmons Makes Real World References For 22 Minutes--you name the show, we will totally ruin it with a tiny inset box of Bonds slowly taking off his elbow armor and walking to first after an intentional pass. Dusty, any thoughts on the home run chase?
	DUSTY BAKER: I wish I had more insight on Barry, but I wasn't allowed to talk to him when I managed the Giants. I also had to walk at least five steps behind him at all times. He accidentally backed over my grandson with his Hummer once, so to pay me back, he let me sit in his leather recliner for five minutes. It was nice. Had a cup holder.
	KARL RAVECH: Would you say that Clemens' battle against Bonds was a DIE-HARD performance?
	DUSTY BAKER: It was only five pitches.
	KARL RAVECH:Just say it was a die-hard performance.
	DUSTY BAKER: sigh Roger Clemens turned in a die-hard performance...
	KARL RAVECH: What a coincidence! We have here in our studios JOHN McCLANE HIMSELF, the legendary Bruce Willis! Bruce, we are truly honored to welcome you here to the Baseball Tonight studios. Tell us, are you working on anything right now?
	BRUCE WILLIS: I got this small, independent film coming out about a family of sharecroppers coming to terms with loss and the inevitable passage of time.
	KARL RAVECH: Seriously?
	BRUCE WILLIS: No, ya fuckin' mongoloid, I'm in the new Die Hard movie. Yippie-ki-yay, mo-
	STEVE PHILLIPS: Are you going to finish your expletive?
	BRUCE WILLIS: Our guerilla marketing campaign forces me to stop at "mo-". Isn't it awesome how we've blanketed several large cities with acres of shitty-looking stickers that'll take years to wear away? I stuck one on Grant's Tomb last week! Take that, you dumb fuckin' general!
	DUSTY BAKER: I don't think it's appropriate to vandalize a monument to an American president.
	BRUCE WILLIS: All Grant did was win the Civil War. He never rappelled down the side of an exploding building while defeating Evil Alan Rickman to the tune of "Ode to Joy".
	JOHN KRUK: Don't listen to that loser, Bruce. I have one room in my house with a 72-inch flat screen TV and a full 5:1 surround sound system. That TV plays nothing but the first three Die Hard movies on a continuous 24-hour loop. And not a living soul is allowed in this room because no one--NO ONE--is worthy of its majesty.
	KARL RAVECH: Bruce, if you had to cast Roger Clemens in a Die Hard movie, what part would he play?
	BRUCE WILLIS: He would probably be the grizzled police sergeant trying to rein in my insane brand of justice. At the end of the movie, he would throw a shattered Louisville Slugger at the villain's corpse. You would see him in the commercial saying, "I'm getting too old for this shi-". Then we would make a bajillion stickers saying that and plaster them on priceless historical landmarks across the nation.
	KARL RAVECH: What do you think of Barry Bonds? He's quite a CONTROVERSIAL figure. Not unlike John McClane and his take-no-prisoners, doesn't-play-by-the-rules brand of street justice.
	BRUCE WILLIS: I think there are a lot of similarities between Barry Bonds and John McClane. They both have enormous bald heads. They both piss off authority figures. They both wear suspenders and a wifebeater. Well, one of 'em does anyway...Jesus, I'm hammered.
	JOHN KRUK: Bruce, I once tried to make a life-size replica of your face, using only labels peeled from Seagram's wine coolers.
	BRUCE WILLIS: It's wet, and it's dry!
	JOHN KRUK: Yeah, but those fuckers are hard to yank off in once piece. I never got past your chin. It's sitting in my basement, next to a turkey smoker I never opened.
	STEVE PHILLIPS: I tried to convince the Wilpons to sign John McClane to a 7-year, $800 million deal to play first base. They said he was a fictional character and fired me for being egomaniacal nutjob. Now I work for ESPN. Who's laughing now? I'd like to see Omar Minaya sign the man who defeated Hans Gruber!
	KARL RAVECH: Bruce, we're all excited about this AMAZING new movie that's coming out in THEATRES EVERYWHERE. Is it safe to say that this is the DIE HARDEST movie of them all?
	BRUCE WILLIS: Yes, you may say that. Allow me to play some awesome white-boy blues for you. /wank-tacular harmonica solo
	KARL RAVECH: For an insiders' perspective, let's go to the announcer's booth, where Joe Morgan is standing by. I know you're busy preparing to call the Red Sox playing Some Team, but please share your thoughts on the new Die Hard movie.
	JOE MORGAN: I haven't seen John McClane play too often, so I can't say for sure what he brings to the table. He'll need to do the little things to help his team win, but his teammates will have to pick him up, too, but he's a solid player. He needs to be more consistent more often. Consistency is the key to being consistent. Hitting safely is a key to getting hits, and also, Derek Jeter.

Posted 06.27.07 12:41am * Permalink