UPCOMING EVENTS

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Two Baby Fashion Items and One Gratuitously Violent YouTube Clip

1) My daughter owns (I say, as if she purchased these things or had any say in their acquisition) several articles of clothing and accessories that simply say BABY. Sometimes BABY is stitched, sometimes screen printed. Regardless of the means of attachment, someone took the time to conceive of this design, then apply the word BABY on clothes to be worn by a baby.

It took several months of parenting before I was struck by the sheer idiocy of this fashion choice. Early one morning, as The Wife was dressing her in a onesie that proclaims her infancy, I mumbled, "What, are we gonna forget what she is?" That was our joke for a while--we dress her in onesies that say BABY so we don't confuse her for the fridge or the toilet.

Now just thinking about the BABY onesie almost infuriates me. If you're gonna be that lazy about writing something on baby clothes, why write anything at all? It's the design equivalent of complete strangers who talk to you in the elevator, because the thought of even 20 seconds of silence terrifies them.

I see an effete Eurotrash designer, wearing Sally Jessie Raphael glasses, gelled hair and a skin-tight black shirt, angrily tossing away his minions sketches of nonverbal onesies. "No no no, a simple undershirt with no words on it is completely unacceptable. It must say something. Otherwise, no one will realize an infant is wearing it."

What if this principle applied to adult clothing? Millions of people walking around in clothes emblazoned with MIDDLE AGED and SENIOR CITIZENS. Kids hanging out at the mall in their TEENAGER t-shirts. No one would volunteer to look so stupid. So why do it to babies? Is it because they can't protest that what they've been dressed in makes them look retarded?

I've always felt that if you want your kid to be smart, you have to treat them as if they're smart. Dress them in a onesie that says BABY and the next thing you know, you're pinning mittens to their chest--in junior high.

Which isn't to say I'm getting rid of the BABY onesies. I'm not so rich I can throw out clothes that still fit so I can feel self-righteous.

2) Amongst a mountain of baby shower gifts we received was a set of bibs with cute sayings on them. Or rather, the sayings sound cute because you imagine a baby saying them. Many of the phrases, if they emanated from the mouth of an adult woman, would sound either clichéd or tragically pathetic.

For instance, HIGH MAINTENANCE. That's cute because she requires aid to free her nether regions of feces. It would be less cute if she were older and making you drive her all over town to find a cute bag. Another bib says, DOES THIS DIAPER MAKE MY BUTT LOOK BIG? Which, of course, it does. Diapers are heavily padded, after all.

The really troubling bib is the one that says LIL' FLIRT. I'm not so much disturbed by this bib as I am confused. How exactly does a six-month-old baby flirt? Spitting up strained peas? Crying for no discernible reason? Nearly gagging on the two fingers you keep shoving into your own mouth?

And with whom does an infant flirt? Other babies, I assume, because the alternative is too terrifying to contemplate. Flirtation implies a give and take--in order to truly flirt with someone, that someone has to flirt back. If you actually think that a baby is flirting with you, just go straight to the deepest circle of hell.

I told The Wife that I'd almost be more comfortable with an extreme alternative. Like FUTURE TEASE or SLUT IN TRAINING. Because these are so over the top that they're obviously jokes (albeit jokes that probably only I find funny, or perhaps Sarah Silverman).

Being a Flirt, on the other hand, straddles this weird line between Cutesy and Dirty which is entirely too gray for my taste--an annex wing of the Virgin-Whore Complex. Even if my daughter is still fascinated by her own feet.

But again, the LIL' FLIRT bib remains in her wardrobe, because (a) it still fits, and (b) she spits up on it a lot.

3) Even though I'm a parent, I'm pretty sure that I won't turn into one of those fretful fathers who thinks the world should be wrapped in bubble tape just so my kid won't possibly get hurt.

Why am I so sure of that? Because I can watch this video a million times and it will never stop being funny (originally posted at the not-at-all-lame parent-centric blog Dadsmacker).

Posted 05.16.07 07:21pm * Permalink

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