AFC Championship Game - A Tale Of Two Douchebags

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UPCOMING EVENTS

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With the NFC out of the way, we can turn our attention to the AFC Championship Game. The Marquee Matchup. The Main Event. The Big Lebowski. The annual installment of Colts Vs. Patriots: Please Believe The Hype. Sportswriters love this game, because it pits two of the game's greatest quarterbacks against one another. Now that Tony Romo has fallen from grace, Peter King can fully devote his verbal fellatio skills to Peyton Manning and Tom Brady. (Once he gets off Brett Favre's lawn, of course.)

This matchup also means that the sportswriters can recycle pieces of every column they've written about these teams in the last 4 years. Because writing about football for almost an hour a day is hard work! Thinking up new ways to praise Bill Belichick can take away from valuable Hot Pocket-heating-up time. Just hit control-V and voila--you've got your latest incarnation of WHEN WILL PEYTON WIN THE BIG ONE or BRADY IZ AWESOME!!!1!

This time last year, I was been pulling for Peyton and co. A near-perfect regular season made it seem like the Colts would finally pull off a Super Bowl victory, or at least an appearance. Then they shit the bed against the Steelers, a team led by another guy known for coming up small in the postseason (Bill Cowher, who before last year had Schottenheimer-like playoff skillz; ie, none). I officially gave up on Manning until (A) he at least wins a conference championship, or (B) goes lo-pro and decides to not appear in every god damn commercial ever made.

But we're also now at the point where rooting for New England is like rooting for The Rich Camp Across The Lake. They got all the goods, everything they touches turns to gold, and their self-righteousness as The Saviors Of Football is vomit-inducing. Kinda like that episode of South Park, where America becomes blanketed by a noxious cloud of Smug.

If given the option of choosing between New England and Indy, my first inclination is to hope for the earth to open up beneath the RCA Dome, consuming them all. But since my Magical Earthquake Machine is still out for repair, a more rational idea would be to size up these QBs side by side, and hopefully determine which one of them is less hateful.

	TOM BRADY Warning: This man can remove panties at 10 paces	PEYTON MANNING Cut That Meat! Laser Rocket Arm!
ALMA MATER:	Michigan, where he struggled to get the first-string job over Drew Henson. Later, Drew Henson would struggle (unsuccessfully) to get the Cowboys' starting job from Drew Bledsoe. This was the same Drew Bledsoe whose injury in 2001 paved the way for Tom Brady's first NFL start and the Pats' first Super Bowl title. Also, did you know Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln?	Tennessee, where he became famous for doing great in the regular season but faltering against big rival Florida. Sound familiar?
TEAM:	New England Patriots, formerly a joke of a franchise given new life by Bill Belichick's mystical hooded sweatshirt.	Indianapolis Colts, who fled a large and loyal fan base in Baltimore so they could have more black people on the field than in the stands.
ON-FIELD PERFORMANCE:	Unflappable and nigh-flawless. God, that's annoying.	Tourette's-like pointing and yelling at the line of scrimmage. It's like an exotic bird's mating ritual, if there was some exotic bird that looked like an unbaked ham.
FAVORITE TARGET:	Whoever Scott Pioli pulled off the scrap heap last week.	Marvin Harrison. And occasionally his own offensive line.
FAN BASE:	Noxious. Much like post-1996 Yankees fans--spoiled by a string of success, but possessed of little historical perspective. Plus, they tend to be Red Sox fans as well, which makes for a combination of arrogance and self-hatred as lethal as Pop Rocks and Coke.	Hearty, solid American Heartland stock who kinda look like Children of the Corn. Fifty percent chance of having worked in a meth lab at some point in their lives. Not as annoying as Pats fans, but more likely to vote for Bush, so ultimately more dangerous.
ROMANTIC ENTANGLEMENTS:	Recently kicked Bridget Moynihan to the curb. Now all up in Gisele Bundchen, when not flying solo. Although, as that Deadspin article points out, Gisele used to be tight with Leo DiCaprio, so there's a good chance she's damaged goods.	Suspiciously unknown, unless you count the Kenny Chesney rumors. I seriously hope Manning's not gay, because the first "out" NFL quarterback would have to be unbelievably awesome and win like 7 Super Bowls in order to combat the sport's rampant homophobia. If that pioneer turns out to be someone like Manning, then his doubters will just say, "Of course he can't win the big game--he's gay!"
COACH'S SARTORIAL STYLE:	Bill Belichick, sleeve shredder.	Tony Dungy, sweater vest enthusiast.
ENDORSEMENTS:	That one Visa "pocket of protection" commercial, after which he stepped aside to let his offensive line take the spotlight. Or he decided he'd rather spend his time mashing some supermodel's guts. If so, a wise decision.	Did the check clear? If so, then yes, I will speak kindly of your yeast infection ointment.
DEFENSE:	Tough. Which is to say, just dirty enough to get the job done while the refs look the other way.	Very accomodating. They will step right aside to ease a running back's trip to the end zone.
CREEPY PERSONAL TIDBIT:	Kept texting the Seahawks after they picked up Deion Branch, just so they'd know how best to use him. Dude, we've all been there, but when the guy leaves you, you've just gotta let him go.	Grew up on the same New Orleans block as Anne Rice. Golden Boy QB on the same street as the Vampire Queen? C'mon, someone's gotta write a novel about that.

As much as it pains me to say it, the Evidence Of Hatred leads me to pick the Patriots (+3). Mainly because I see this game being close. And virtually any game with the Pats that's close in the final minutes is a game the Pats win.

Don't worry, New England's Sports Karma will be balanced once again come July, when a 12-1 Daisuke Matsuzaka tears a labrum in a meaningless game against the Devil Rays.

Posted 01.18.07 08:47pm * Permalink