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Instant Karma's Gonna Get You

Looking at this weekend's NFL playoff matchups, I realized something: All of the eight remaining teams have some bad karma coming their way. I mean, every single one of them has legitimate reason why the Sports Gods should smite them for their hubris. So rather than go to my usual trope of making fun of Michael Irvin, I decided that I'd base my picks for the division round of the playoffs based on the teams' collective juju. My mockery of The Playmaker and His Playmates only netted me a 2-2 record in week one of the postseason anyway.

Indianapolis at Baltimore: Wow, they should just call this game The Fucked Over Fans Bowl.

The Colts not only fled a loyal fan base, but they did so in the most cowardly fashion possible, loading up Mayflower moving vans in the middle of the night. They might as well have pointed behind Baltimore, yelled "Look out! Avalanche!" and split town when the whole city turned away. To be fair, I've been to Charm City, so I can definitely understand why you'd want to leave the place. But at least Baltimore has some local cuisine and style, two things that are banned in the state of Indiana. Plus, I think Marvin Harrison comprises 31% of Indianapolis' black population.

On the plus side, if the Colts never leave Baltimore, the lack of civic depression probably would have precluded the creation of Homicide and The Wire. So perhaps it was all for the best.

The Ravens committed an identical sin: leaving a city with a rabid fan base. Like the Baltimore Colts, the Cleveland Browns were a legendary football team (even if their playoff futility didn't reflect it). Having been screwed by the Colts' move, Baltimore should have taken the high road and waited for an expansion rather than stealing someone else's squad. Two wrongs don't make a right!

Plus they employ Ray Lewis so, I mean, c'mon.

Scratchbomb's pick: Baltimore (-4) over Indy. Because the worst karma of all results from entrusting your playoff fate to Peyton Manning.

Seattle at Chicago: The Seahawks pissed off the NFL big time last year. First off, they bitched about the officiating in the Super Bowl. Granted, there were some questionable calls. But complaining about the officiating is the last refuge of those who suck.

More importantly, Seattle pissed off the NFL by advancing in the playoffs at the expense of more nationally popular teams. Last year, they beat the large-market Redskins. This year, they embarrassed America's Team (or at least benefitted from the Cowboys' Romo-plosion). You know Roger Goddell & Co. had some gold plated hard-ons, imagining the ad deaux they coulda pulled in for a Bears-Cowboys matchup. Seattle prevented that from happening. You can get away with a lot in the NFL, but if you fuck with the ratings, thou shalt be smited.

As for the Bears, look no further than Tank Johnson. Dude's house gets raided by the police, where they find a mini Branch Davidian Compound. A week later, his bodyguard is shot and killed on the streets of Chicago, Capone-style. If this had happened in the NBA, the sportswriters would have filled the back pages for weeks with diatribes about the evils of Black Athletes' "Hip-Hop Lifestyle". But the NFL is bulletproof, so the only person worrying about these shady dealings are Tank and his lawyer.

Scratchbomb's prediction: Seattle (+8.5) over Chicago. Rex Grossman had a passer rating of 0 in his last start. Zero. Zilch. Bupkis. Can anyone see The Sex Cannon leading Da Bears to victory with those kinds of quote-unquote skills? Then again, if the Seahawks beat the Cowboys and the Bears in the same year--two teams with huge national followings--the NFL just might contract Seattle out existence next year, out of spite. So expect Da Bears to get a lot of help from the officials. Brian Urlacher could probably eat Matt Hasselbeck's face and get away with it. Personally, betting-wise,I wouldn't touch this game with an wobbly 80-yard Grossman interception. In the end, I don't so much think the 'Hawks will win as I can't imagine the Bears mustering enough offense to win by more than a touchdown.

New England at San Diego: It's not that I don't think Bill Belichick is a great coach. I learned as much about pigskin from reading David Halberstam's book as I do from reading Football Outsiders every week. It's just that I'm friggin' sick of hearing about it. Plus, the Patriots' reign of excellence have given Bostonians another reason to feel superior and self-righteous. Within 5 years, the city went from being a football wasteland to having the smuggest fans this side of the Cowboys. They almost make you long for the irrational hate and self-loathing of the Red Sox Nation.

In San Diego, Shawn Merriman got caught doing 'roids. He sat out a four games and returned, end of story. That would not be the end of the story in baseball, certainly not for a young player who had as much impact as he did this year, but since the NFL is made of teflon, nobody gives a shit. In fact, Merriman did an interview with CBS's pregame crew during last week's Pats/Jets tilt. Shannon Sharpe asked him about having to sit out for four games--and nobody else dared mention the reason why he had to sit out. Double standards are awesome!

The Chargers also made concerted efforts to keep Patriots fans out of their stadium. I can't say I blame them. But if you're afraid that not enough hometown fans will pack an arena for a damn playoff game, sorry, your stadium deserves be overrun by the enemy.

Scratchbomb's prediction: New England (+4.5) over San Diego. I can't pick against Belichick and Tom Brady in the playoffs. Not when they're facing a rookie quarterback and Marty Schottenheimer. Two years ago, the SD head coach's head-scratching moves almost made Herm Edwards look smart in a playoff game. 'Nuff said.

Philadelphia at New Orleans: Here's where my premise reaches its utter breaking point. Bear with me.

Philly...um, their fans suck? Yeah, I know that's totally unfair. But I can't think of Philly fans, in any sport, without thinking of Santa Claus getting pelted with snowballs. I know that story has been overblown, usually invoked just to provide an ironic counterpoint to The City Of Brotherly Love. And I actually like the city of Philadelphia--I mean the actual geographic location. But there's something about the typical Philly fan's inferiority complex that makes me think they like losing, and consequently deserve it. Much in the same way that I think Red Sox fans were actually happier pre-2004.

The Saints are the least karmically damned team in the playoffs. If anything, karma owes them for Hurricane Katrina. It's not like a succesful playoff run will make up for the city being nearly destroyed by natural disasters and government incompetence, but I guess it's the least that Fate can do. Plus, the team took a chance on an injured Drew Brees and Hofstra alum Marques Colston, and rode both of them to an unexpectedly awesome season.

The only thing I can really say is that few NFL franchises have been so consistently incompetent than the Saints. Only the Lions rival them for sub-mediocrity over the years--always bad, but seldom bad enough to get awesome draft picks, and on such rare occasions they either trade them away or waste them on busts. So obviously God hates them. Perhaps He resents the pretensions at piety implied by their name.

Scratchbomb's prediction: New Orleans (-6) over Philadelphia. Anyone outside of Philadelphia who has any sort of heart has to pull for the Saints. Also, they're much, much better than the Iggles. I think that (-6) is being generous to a Philly team minus Lito Sheppard.

Next week, I'll predict the conference championships using tea leaves and urine samples. Stay tuned!

Posted 01.13.07 09:31am * Permalink

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