01.09.07 - Mark My Words

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Mark My Words

Today marked the official baseball equinox--the exact midpoint between when baseball was last played and when it will be played again. Or at least it is according to Faith and Fear in Flushing; I haven't done the math, but I trust those dudes. The equinox refers to the regular season; spring training games, though sunny and quaint, don't count.

It probably goes without saying that I am chomping at the proverbial bit for baseball to start again. How badly? Right now I'm watching an Islanders game--an Islanders game--for the simple fact that the play-by-play is being done by Howie Rose. If I squint, I can pretend Rick DiPietro is Paul LoDuca (minus the ridiculous contract).

I was at game 7 of the NLCS, and in pure defiance of conventional wisdom, it has not gotten easier with time. As soon as the Mets lost, I was philosophical and upbeat. "Oh well, it was a great season, we'll be back in it next year." But with each passing day, I felt more and more traumatized, thinking of asswipes like Scott Spiezio and Braden Looper--BRADEN LOOPER--celebrating their victory at Shea. The season can't start soon enough for me, and it's still about 11 weeks away. I'm just gonna sit here and listen to Howie Rose until then...

Fittingly, the Hall of Fame voting also came out today, and Tony Gwynn and Cal Ripken breezed in, as expected. Gwynn was a no-brainer--the guy could hit .350 in his damn sleep. Cal Ripken basically gets in 'cause he won the league's all-time attendance award. I guess that's an accomplishment, although the guy whose record he supplanted, Lou Gehrig, did a hell of lot more than show up for work on time every day.

That brings us to Mr. McGwire, who fell short of immortalization--51% short, give or take. And that's as it should be. Even prior to the whole "I'm not here to talk about the past" thing, McGwire was not a Hall of Famer.

The power explosion of the '90s devalued the home run. Shortstops hit 40 dingers a year these days, fer chrissakes. I now think of home runs the same way I think of computer animation. When Jurassic Park came out, everyone oohed and aahed over what those wacky boxes could do to movin' picchers! But soon, every filmmaker used it just to use it, without a shred of innovation or creativity. So I refuse to be impressed by computer animation itself; the technology must be used in the service of something amazing that could only be done in that medium (see: Pixar).

So if Willie Mays is, say, The Incredibles of baseball players, then Mark McGwire is a badly animated 70-minute piece of crap that spent its whole budget on useless celebrity voices. Congrats, McGwire--you're Shark Tale! All Mark McGwire ever did was hit home runs. I don't care if he hit 583 of them--that's all he was capable of doing. He didn't hit for average, he hit a surprisingly small number of extra base hits for someone with his power, and was a butcher with the glove on his best day. If Dave Kingman played at the same time as McGwire, with crappy post-expansion pitching and a juiced baseball, he could have hit that many taters. And no one in their right mind thinks Dave Kingman is a Hall of Famer (which, granted, is partially due to Mr. Kingman's sunny disposition).

But at least this debate is behind us until next year. Except for the inevitable rehash you'll see on ESPN tonight.

	JOE MORGAN: The whole point of baseball is to win games, and you win games by scoring runs, which you then use to have more runs than the other team, which helps you win the game. Mark McGwire hit 583 home runs, which means he helped his teams score at least 583 runs. That is a lot of runs. If you scored 583 runs in a game, you would probably win that game. But Mark McGwire was smart enough to stretch out those runs over many years. That's why he deserves to be in the Hall of Fame.
	JOHN KRUK: You're right, Joe. Everyone needs to get off their high horse with this "he probably did steroids" crap. Every single major leaguer cheats. And I don't mean just now--I mean, like every major leaguer ever. Gaylord Perry loaded his pitches with Vaseline. Whitey Ford scuffed the ball . And I used to come to bat with Ding Dongs in my pockets. I'm not sure if that was illegal, but it was wrong. Deeply, deeply wrong. And yet so delicious.
	JOE MORGAN: Mark McGwire hit more home runs than Bob Gibson, Tom Seaver, and Rollie Fingers combined. Since those guys are all Hall Of Famers, you have to think that McGwire is easily a Hall Of Famer who belongs in the Hall of Fame.
	PETER GAMMONS: Personally, I'm torn on the McGwire issue. In his prime he was one of the most feared home run hitters to ever play the game. Still, the guy did so much andro his forearms looked like sausage casing barely holding in a mass of quivering pancetta. I'm having a hard time deciding where I stand, because it's unclear to me exactly how this affects the Red Sox in 2007.
	BUSTER OLNEY: I was pretty much in the same boat with you, Peter, except in my case, I couldn't figure out what McGwire's Hall of Fame chances have to do with the Yankees. Ultimately, however, I decided against McGwire because of the children. I didn't want to have to be responsible for McGwire's election to the Hall, then one day take my kids to Cooperstown and have them recoil in horror when they saw his plaque. "Daddy, who is that hideous freckled hydrocephalic rendered in bronze?"
	BILL SIMMONS: I think you have to vote for Mark McGwire, because he was a batter you had to watch every time he came up to bat, a criterion that is totally quantifiable and completely irrefutable. Whenever McGwire came up, I'd call up my bro Hesh and say, "Dude!", and he'd say "Dude!", and then we'd quote lines from The Karate Kid for the next 45 minutes. Not voting for Mark McGwire would be like voting off what's-his-face in whatever the hell season of Survivor we're up to now. It would be like that one episode of The Real World where some crazy shit happened. It's like that one scene in Rounders when...
	JOHN KRUK: What the shit is a Rounders?
	BILL SIMMONS: It is an awesome movie about grizzled and manly poker sharks convincingly played by Matt Damon and Ed Norton. I'm pretty sure I'm the only person who has ever seen this movie, but I'll be damned if that keeps me from referencing it in every column I write.
	JOHN KRUK: Rounder this, squeaky. Listen--you're never gonna stop cheating in the majors. When Lou Brock stole bases, he took out second basemen with a harpoon. After serving in World War II, Bob Feller replaced his right arm with a grenade launcher. And did you know that Babe Ruth was actually a shaved gorilla? How is that fair?
	OREL HERSHISER: You know what's not fair? Having to pitch against ol' Mark "Popeye Arms" McGwire. I conditioned myself, prepared between each start, exercised, ate right--I even got deep tissue massage from the team trainer. I mean, we're talking many uncomfortable hours with man-hands on me! Then Hulkafied Ronald McDonald steps to the plate, full of lab-rented Dinger Juice, and jacks a sinker over the center field fence. So Boy Scout Orel finishes with a measly 204 wins, while Roidy McAss-Stabber hits more god damn home runs than Mel Ott. Yeah, that's fair. Life's a bitch, and then you die.
	PETER GAMMONS: Geez, when did you get so bitter?
	OREL HERSHISER: Driving to Bristol, Connecticut every day, it changes you, man.
	BILL SIMMONS: Not voting for Mark McGwire for the Hall of Fame would be like not firing Doc Rivers, which the Celtics continue to, um, not do. Now listen as I devote 80,000 words to recalling every single point guard from the last 45 years of the NBA while comparing them to Pearl Jam songs...
	JOE MORGAN: Mark McGwire helped uplift baseball in 1998, when it was still feeling sad about the strike and had apparently forgotten about excellent playoff games in 1995, 1996, and 1997. He hit lots of home runs when Sammy Sosa was also hitting lots of home runs. That made a lot of people happy. It made me feel happy. Also, he hit lots of home runs.
	JOHN KRUK: We also have to remember that this is America, and in America you are innocent until proven guilty. Mark McGwire was never proven to have taken steroids, except by that one reporter who totally saw them in his locker. Plus anyone who ever saw his arms and neck. Still, I have a hard time believing that Tony LaRussa would have a steroid user on his team. I mean, the man who shepherded the careers of Jose Canseco and Albert Pujols couldn't possibly tolerate that.
	BUSTER OLNEY: But John, what kind of sick mind would think it's okay to disgrace the game in such a way? I'm not talking about steroids. I'm talking about this abomination: That alone should disqualify him for the Hall of Fame, plus earn him a beating with a sock full of oranges.
	BILL SIMMONS: Unintentional comedy scale! Peyton Manning face! Patrick Ewing rule!
	JOE MORGAN: Also, Mark McGwire should be in the Hall of Fame because Billy Beane probably doesn't want him there. Billy Beane hates home runs, because he thinks you should win games by walking and using computers. The only way to win a baseball game is the old fashioned way: by scoring runs. Walks can't lead to runs unless you get knocked in by someone else, so they are worthless. And so is Billy Beane. Home runs are nice.
	ROGER GOODELL: Hello, you maggots. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell here. Just wanted to give you a call from my crystal palace floating above the Azores to tell you how hysterical I find this whole argument. In my league, we slap steroid users on the wrist, then we give them awards, and none of the fans give a rat's shit about it. It's so charming that you're debating whether or not Mark McGwire should be allowed in your precious Hall of Fame. Oh no, please don't sully the saintly glint of hardcore racists like Ty Cobb! We can't let McGwire stand beside drunk adulterers like Mickey Mantle! Dare we stain the memory of the owners who colluded to drive down free agent prices just 4 years ago? Oh heaven preserve us, who will save our precious game! You guys crack me up. Later, losers.
	PETER GAMMONS: So, um, you guys watching the playoff games this weekend?
	BILL SIMMONS: Betting against the Patriots in the playoffs would be like betting against a team that seldom loses in the playoffs!
	JOE MORGAN: The Baseball Hall of Fame is a place for people who are good at baseball.

Posted 01.09.07 08:47pm * Permalink