UPCOMING EVENTS

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NBC's AFC Playoff Preview

/horrible theme song by Pink blatantly ripped off from Joan Jett
/fades into flatulent John Williams-by-way of-NFL Films orchestral flourish

	BOB COSTAS: Football. It's become synonymous with America. A father throwing the pigskin with his son. A struggling town pinning all of its hopes and dreams on the local team. A wide receiver blowing out an ACL during the first game of the season. A 350 pound linebacker with a suspicious widow's peak and bacne. These are the stuff of dreams, and my interminable pompous diatribes. Tonight on Chevy Presents Football Night In America Sponsored by Chevy, we look at the playoff picture in the NFL. First up, Chris Collinsworth. Who has the toughest road to hoe in this year's playoffs?
	CHRIS COLLINSWORTH: Huh? Sorry Bob, I just got flashbacks to my time in the booth with Bryant Gumbel. Christ almighty, it's like trying to call a game with Xanax-filled chipmunk.
	BOB COSTAS: What about the high-flying Jets, whose flight plan has come together much quicker than expected? See how I used airplane puns?
	CHRIS COLLINSWORTH: Clever. A lot of people are looking forward to the Jets-Patriots match up, because it allows them to dredge up the idiotic playground grudge Bill Belichick has against Eric Mangini. Plus, they can talk about how both of them dress like homeless guys. Personally, I don't like either of these teams because they're led by pointy-headed intellectual types like you, Bob.
	BOB COSTAS: But Chris, what about that operation I got to de-pointify my head?
	CHRIS COLLINSWORTH: A football game shouldn't come down to which coach studied the other team more carefully, because football should expend as little mental energy as possible. That's why it's the best sport to watch when you're hammered. Most athletes and coaches go into football so they can shove nerds like Mangini into garbage cans and not get in trouble for it. So no matter who wins, Jets or Patriots, they're sure to get trounced in the AFC Championship Game by a rock-stupid team like the Ravens. Ray Lewis--now there's a player who's clearly never had a thought in his damn head except for one: How to murder the guys on the other team. I mean, that man will literally fucking murder you.
	JEROME BETTIS: Speaking of rock-stupid teams, don't discount the Chiefs. Sure, Trent Green got his dome Roethlisbergered. And sure, Herm Edwards' game plans are about as complicated as Hop On Pop. Still, you have to respect the weapon the Chiefs have in Larry Johnson, because Herm is gonna run that boy into the ground like a rented mule. It's this zero-dimensional approach to ground offense that turned Curtis Martin from a Hall-of-Fame running back into a jelly-kneed cripple in three years.
	BOB COSTAS: Now for a visit with our favorite correspondent, Peter King of Sports Illustrated. Peter, have you brought us some story that I could pontificate on for 20 minutes?
	PETER KING: No, I'm too busy preparing a 7000-word essay on various coffees I've drunk in airports. But first, let me pass along a Brett Favre update. I've camped out on the man's lawn for the past seven years, despite the tear gas and death threats, but I still haven't been able to determine if he'll return next year. If I could somehow obtain a stool sample, I might be able to mystically establish his intentions. I intend to do so with some Incan divining techniques I learned with the assistance of an ancient spell book loaned to me by Al Davis. You know, the Black Arts are the only thing standing between him and the grave...
	BOB COSTAS: Surely, the day that Brett Favre retires will signal the beginning of the end for all of Western Civilization. Now let's switch over to our team in the booth, Al Michaels and John Madden. Al, I know you're slowly dying inside, so I'll go to John first. Who will emerge victorious in the AFC, the most American of the two footballing conferences?
	JOHN MADDEN: This defense will stop 'em for sure! /draws Telestrator squiggles on screen
	AL MICHAELS: Bob, I'd like to interject an intelligent thought before it dies of loneliness. Clearly, the road to the Super Bowl in the AFC will go through LaDainian Tomlinson and the San Diego Chargers...
	JOHN MADDEN: Ace is the place! /more squiggling
	AL MICHAELS: ...but, um, that fearsome Ravens defense will pose a problem for any team...
	JOHN MADDEN: Tough actin' Tinactin! /yet more squiggling
	AL MICHAELS: Of course, you ignore the Tom Brady and the Patriots at your own peril.
	JOHN MADDEN: Less filling! /squiggles on own face
	AL MICHAELS: I'm already dead, aren't I? I must have died like eight months ago, because this has to be hell.
	JOHN MADDEN: I don't know what the QB was thinking on that pass! /mistakes microphone for popcorn shrimp and eats it

Scratchbomb's predictions (picks in caps):

JETS (+8.5) at New England--Beating the Pats one their own turf twice in one season = unlikely. But this game'll be closer than a touchdown.

Posted 01.06.07 01:33pm * Permalink

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